Family
Life Families seek the spirit
By MARY CRONK FARRELL
The nature of modern American
culture makes it a challenge to raise children in the Catholic faith and hold
together a sacramental marriage.
Its a lot of work, said Mary Mulcaire-Jones,
mother of six, in Butte, Mont. But Im really trying to raise my
kids so they can be in the world, but not of the world.
One challenge is the go-go-go mentality of modern society. As soon
as children are potty-trained, parents feel pressure to get them busy.
Theres preschool, sports, dance, music and art classes. Choices and
expectations only increase with the age of the child.
The culture pulls adults in many directions, too. Besides long
hours of work on the job and in the home, parents enjoy a fascinating array of
leisure activities: the latest books and movies, TV, sports, concerts,
restaurants, exercise, volunteer work, even church committees. None of these
are bad things, but the expectation that our time and energy should somehow
expand to fit our opportunities makes it hard to say no. Many Americans end up
with little time or energy to reflect on spiritual issues.
Beverly Grigware, mother of three young daughters in Parker,
Colo., said religious education becomes just one more thing on the list of
things to do. Maybe it should be more important than the other things on
the list, and so far Ive resisted lots of activities, she said.
My daughters would be really thrilled if I signed them up for gymnastics,
but of the Religious Ed class theyre just yeah, whatever.
Thats not what all their friends are doing.
Hunger for connection
A mothers support group at Ave Maria Catholic Church helped
Grigware feel part of a community. Huge suburban parishes sometimes feel
impersonal, and the mobility of modern families often prevents people from
having deep roots in a faith community. Young mothers, short on sleep and long
on stress, hunger for meaningful connection. Simply recognizing a few other
womens faces at Mass makes a difference for Grigware.
Another front in the countercultural battle facing Catholic
parents is the focus on consumption, material wealth and individual interests
rather than community.
You can go down the whole list -- you are what you look
like, what you wear, what you do -- the assault on children in terms of forming
their identity and relating to others on a material level is immense,
said Mulcaire-Jones. She put limits on video games and restrictions on movies,
a difficult job as children navigate the teenage years.
We talk about the entertainment culture and how its
very passive. Some of my daughters friends go to the movies every Friday
night regardless of whats playing, so Im trying to counter that,
give them something more appealing, said Mulcaire-Jones. Im
trying to provide a community for my family.
The Mulcaire-Joneses gather with other Catholic families for
activities like sledding, potluck dinners, games and prayer. Thats
been very important for my kids, to see that there are other kids out there,
and their families are weird like our family, she said.
Support systems like this are crucial because many parents say
they dont get the backup they need from their local parish or the larger
church. Vision and practical help for nurturing family spirituality differ,
sometimes widely, depending on the parish, priest and diocese.
Some parishes are trying innovative ways to reach out to families,
like St. Thomas More in Inglewood, Colo. Before and after each Mass, volunteers
staff an information booth in the back of the church. It offers a convenient
way for parishioners to ask questions and get plugged into programs.
In general, the focus of parish life tends to be on Sunday liturgy
and sacramental preparation. But parents struggling day to day amid the demands
of modern life want more.
Though rich with ritual, music, symbol and story, the Eucharist is
often endured rather than celebrated by families. One mother who asked not to
be identified described what many parents experience.
It depends on the parish, but almost anywhere you go
theres this attitude that its OK for children to be seen, but not
heard. Theyre not really asked to participate in the Mass, but told to
sit down and be quiet. Our priest doesnt speak well to kids, unless
theyre college kids, she said.
Priests whose homilies connect well with people of all ages are
rare. A popular way of dealing with the problem is the Childrens Liturgy
of the Word. This program removes young children from the congregation during
the readings and homily for a separate service. Harried parents find this
preferable to chasing their toddlers around the vestibule, but some also find
it troubling. They question whether it models unity in the church.
The desire for greater support for families extends beyond Mass.
Catholic parents find themselves looking enviously at Protestant churches
around town. Burgeoning Presbyterian youth groups, Four Square Bible studies
for Moms, Lutheran summer camps and high quality child-care, ever present at
Protestant events, tantalize them like a mirage on the horizon.
We have found that though there are many young families, in
general the church lacks the commitment and ideas to support them. We have not
found the Catholic church to be family-friendly, said Danny
Gallagher.
Danny and his wife Doris have been members of St. Joseph Catholic
Community Church in Eldersburg, Md., all their lives. They met as teenagers at
a parish activity and started playing music together in the folk group. Soon
they were also leading youth ministry in the parish. As any good story goes,
they fell in love, married and had children.
Parish staff members are welcoming and know the seven Gallagher
children by name. Danny and Doris are grateful for their parish community, and
committed to continuing to invest themselves at St. Josephs. But, like
many Catholic parents, they feel frustrated when their parish schedules events
at times that are not convenient for families with children, and when
babysitting is not provided. Parents in some parishes feel pressure to
volunteer when they would rather the church recognize and support the idea that
family life is parents primary ministry.
Danny suggests parish staff could identify middle-aged or older
people who have gifts and are willing to minister to young families. They could
provide child-care, workshops in family spirituality, parenting skills and
marriage enrichment, seasonal liturgical events like Advent wreath making,
Childrens Way of the Cross and an All Saints party.
The feeling of support that families experienced would cause
them to be open to ministering in a like manner when their children are
grown, said Danny. Likewise, parents with young children could befriend
older parishioners.
Parenting: an ascetic
undertaking
Another thing that would help Catholic families is more role
models of lay spirituality. Though Pope John Paul II has proclaimed 468 new
saints, the most of any pope, he has elevated only one married couple to the
level of Blessed. The church honors Italians Luigi and Maria Beltrame
Quattrocchi for their life of holiness as a modern couple. Unfortunately, their
model is not one to which most parents can relate. After having four children
-- three of whom later entered religious life -- the Quattrocchis
practiced celibacy for the rest of their married life.
That doesnt quite do it for me, said
Mulcaire-Jones. There is just a lot of room for development of
what a lay spirituality looks like. It would be a much more everyday
spirituality, and in the context of loving connectedness.
She has turned to her own friends, other married women and
mothers, as models of what a holistic life might look life. There are
certainly saints, women like Julian of Norwich, Edith Stein, Teresa and
Thérèse, that Ive learned a lot from. When I was younger I
tried to fast and follow a typical model of asceticism, then at some point I
just decided Im living it here, day-to-day. I have come to believe that
being a parent is a very ascetic undertaking, said Mulcaire-Jones.
It would be nice to have some institutional acknowledgement of
that.
Many parents succeed in nourishing a vibrant Catholic spirituality
in their families by taking the responsibility into their own hands and looking
outside the institution for support. They maintain a thriving prayer life,
concern for social justice and strong Catholic identity.
Time in the vestibule
Take one couple for example: Robert and Lori Fontana of Yakima,
Wash., who inspired hundreds of other families while raising their six
children. They founded Catholic Life Ministries, an organization promoting
holiness in everyday life.
Faith was such an integral part of our lives. We just
couldnt set it aside while we raised our kids and then come back to
it, said Lori. We often found parish life a desert. We formed CLM
to stay within the church, but to bring faith activities to a level where
people can participate as a family, and so we didnt have to shove one age
group off to minister to another.
Perhaps the seeds of their ministry were planted 20 years ago the
day Lori was asked to leave a parish mission because she brought along her
one-month-old baby.
I wanted to say, Look, I need this mission,
said Lori. Even liturgy was hard to participate in with children
in tow, and I spent a lot of my time in the vestibule of the church.
Robert added: What couples and families need are
opportunities to build deeper friendships where prayer, study, service and
faith-sharing abound, and children are welcome. In the context of this
community, reflection on marriage, sexuality and couple unity needs to happen,
as well as conversation about how people can live the gospel in the midst of
everyday life. Thats what we try to offer.
Catholic Life Ministries offers two retreats each summer geared
specifically to families and people of all ages and gathers families once a
month for prayer, a meal and fun. A newsletter connects families and offers
resources, inspiration and encouragement.
Faith isnt just one hour on Sunday. Our faith can help
us Monday through Saturday. It can carry and support us in our parenting and in
our family life, said Lori.
Catholic Life Ministries retreats demonstrate it is possible to
celebrate Mass family-style. The priest wears vestments colored with the
childrens artwork. Toddlers wander and babies cry. Music features hand
movements and the gospel reading plays out in a skit. The homily captivates
adults and little ones alike. If the service runs long, nobody leaves
early.
Bob and Ginny Kanes four children have grown up attending
the retreats. Very few families we know even go to church together on
Sunday, said Ginny. The retreats are a place my kids can see other
families trying to live out their faith, praying together, and having fun doing
faith-related things.
Catholic Life Ministries inspired the Kanes to work toward putting
the gospel to action in their lives. This summer the Seattle couple took their
children, ages 7 through 13, on a mission trip to Tijuana, Mexico. For a week,
they stayed at an orphanage where they played with the children, worked on a
construction project and visited homes inviting kids to a Bible study.
Bob said the idea was to be missionaries, but instead they
discovered the people of Tijuana witnessed faith to them.
They showed us how to be happy with what we have, said
Bob. They were not worried that the floor of their home was dirt, or that
their cars had dents or that their clothes were worn and unlaundered. They
reminded us that we are all children of God, one big family.
They were genuine in a way I rarely see at home, said
Ginny.
The Kane children all want to go back next year. The oldest,
Shannon, said, Little things didnt bother them like they would me.
They acted like they had everything they needed, and when I think about it,
maybe they did.
When families feel supported by a community, its easier for
their faith to take form and flesh in service to others. Marian and Bob
Beaumier found an opportunity for their three children to help feed the hungry
in their inner-city parish in Spokane. The church staff handed out bologna
sandwiches to anyone who came knocking on the door.
I just called up and said would you mind if instead of
having the cook make the sandwiches could we just make them ourselves,
said Marian. My kids would help make them, bag them, put the mustard on,
whatever.
Families need ways they can serve together, just as they need
parish activities that draw them together. In a world that tends to pull family
members in different directions, Catholics yearn for the unity of the body of
Christ.
Relationship challenges
The same challenges that trouble Catholic parents in their efforts
to nourish family spirituality confront them in their marriage relationships as
well. There never seem to be enough hours in the day, and couples see their own
needs slipping to the bottom of the list. The prevailing culture doesnt
model the commitment, work and hard choices required for men and women to
sustain long-lasting and intimate unions. Many Catholic marriages are
floundering, and even couples with good marriages say they could use more
help.
I was having some problems in my marriage and I went to a
couple of priests for counseling, said Mulcaire-Jones. Oh, my gosh,
for one priest, it was way over his head. Some priests are trained or
have a knack for marriage counseling, but many do not. Especially in small town
or rural America, it can be difficult to find institutional church
representatives with lived experience and an understanding of the challenges of
married life.
There are some unique challenges in making a marriage work
and in the intimacy that arises over time, like communication, healthy
sexuality, conflict resolution, generosity, said Mulcaire-Jones.
The church should teach about marriage as a process of spiritual
formation and that you can achieve wholeness and holiness in
marriage.
Seldom in parish life will Catholics hear a discussion or homily
on the topic of sexuality or birth control. But these are ever-present
realities in the daily life of married couples. The churchs prohibition
on artificial birth control and sterilization is virtually ignored by many
people.
Ive talked to people who use Natural Family Planning,
and their reasoning doesnt make any sense to me. I just dont get
it, said Grigware. She believes she and her husbands use of
artificial birth control is no reflection on their deep reverence for human
life. Any person who has ever brought a child into this world knows what
a huge responsibility it is, said Grigware.
Even some couples who faithfully follow the churchs teaching
struggle with it, and hope for more open dialogue. Church leaders have
consulted businessmen on matters of the economy, and soldiers on issues of war.
But married couples are asked to bow to the authority of celibates in the area
of sexuality.
Nevertheless, married Catholics are increasingly seeing a
spiritual dynamic in their physical relationships. The way spouses are with
each other -- open, vulnerable and surrendering -- models how to be with God in
prayer.
Sexual intimacy is a tremendous source of healing and union,
as well as a celebration of forgiveness, said Marian Beaumier, married 20
years. Bob and I have traveled down a few very difficult roads in our
relationship. Sexual intimacy sustains us and also illuminates the need for
greater communication, dialogue and growth.
Despite uneven support from the church, the Spirit is alive and
flourishing among Catholic marriages and families today. Many Catholics are
optimistic about their spiritual journey into the third millennium.
My hope for the church is that as a family we can be open to
dialogue in resolving some of the controversial issues, said
Mulcaire-Jones. I sometimes feel that the Catholic church is a big
dysfunctional family. You cant do without your family, but they drive you
crazy sometimes.
At its best the church holds a vision of justice, love, faith and
hope that continues to beckon despite the messiness of its daily work in the
world.
Thats something families understand.
Mary Cronk Farrell writes Everyday Grace, a regular
column on Catholic family spirituality. Her book Daughters of the Desert:
Tales of Remarkable Women of the Christian, Jewish and Islamic Traditions,
published by SkyLight Paths is due out in February. She lives in Spokane,
Wash., with her husband and three children.
National Catholic Reporter, November 15,
2002
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