Sic
Tips late for
Halloween, such as witches' tattoos
By MICHAEL J. FARRELL
Sic has always taken a dim view of
obfuscation and duplicity, so imagine our chagrin when we realized that someone
in Rome is impersonating the pope.
Yes, that pope. The jackals of the press have been saying
the pontiff is ill, but even Vatican spokesman Joaquín Novarro-Vals says
they're wrong. Sic soon got the picture. That old guy is -- are you sitting
down? -- a papal look-alike.
The evidence is everywhere. Look at the photo in NCR, Oct.
18, and you'll see it's not even a good look-alike. A picture in the New
York Times Oct. 13 was even more convincing, the work, Sic believes, of a
second look-alike hired to impersonate the first look-alike on his days
off.
* * *
Where, then, is John Paul, one may
well ask. Sources close to Sic say -- are you still sitting? -- he's out
searching highways and byways for a successor (sources close to John Paul deny
this, but Sic thinks they're only close to a JP look-alike and not to the Man
Himself). He's not searching among the usual suspects, such as cardinals, those
sources say, but out there among people who have the right theological
credentials, who have, for example, in the past year, washed their own socks or
gone to their country's equivalent of a Green Bay Packers game. So if, some day
soon, you see, coming down the road, or across the parking lot, a dusty
traveler with a squint scanning the world for crazy, authentic, unbelievable
holiness, greet him. It might be the real John Paul.
* * *
Think what authentic Christianity we
would have if every Vicar of Christ on earth -- who is supposed to be the
ongoing embodiment of Jesus to such a degree that women obviously don't measure
up -- were expected to get himself into so much trouble, like Jesus, in the
interests of the downtrodden that he would have to be, like Jesus, eventually
executed. People will say this may be too severe, but it worked, we are told,
for Jesus.
* * *
Pat Robertson's Christian
Broadcasting Network has a Web site that recently offered the world a
"Christian perspective on Halloween." It's mostly pagan, these Christians said.
Druids had a lot to do with it, not to mention Satan. Then, with the growth of
witchcraft in the Middle Ages, "additional symbols became associated with
Halloween -- black cats, bats and skulls."
It was the Irish, it turns out, who spread all this stuff to the
New World. Except the pumpkin, which, like the snake, doesn't grow in Ireland.
But "witches and satanists," CBN assures us, are "a small minority." How do
they know?
* * *
F.M. Walker of Edina sent This Space
some "mangled factoids" that throw new light on several historical
whatnots:
"King Alfred conquered the Dames."
"King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery."
"King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings."
"Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw."
"The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice
for the same offense."
"Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull."
"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music."
"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."
"The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by a surf, ushed in a new error in the anals of human history."
(Sic is so impressed by this stuff that we are seriously thinking
of entering again for the Catholic Press Association award, which, lest anyone
forget, This Space won in ... well, we forget which year, but you could look it
up.)
* * *
Meanwhile, Bill Thimm from Arlington
writes: "When you finally make your long-awaited infallible statement, please
remember to publish it in an en-Sic-lical."
This kind of comment makes Sic nervous. For months now, since Sic
realized that we were, no kidding, infallible, we have been scratching our
head, racking our brains, beating the bushes and plumbing the depths in search
of that wacky one-in-a-million truth that is both infallibly airtight and yet
of burning interest to at least a few folks. It's an exhausting search. We
occasionally come across something really sexy, the kind of Catholic truth
Catholics drool over, but then doubts arise, doubts that after a few drinks
fail to go away, so we put off our solemn pronouncement for another day. On the
other hand, there are many theological whatnots about which we harbor great
certainty, right there on the threshold of infallibility, but then we realize
no one cares a hoot about them, and there's nothing worse than to go on an
infallible kick while Christendom goes "Oh yeah?" and nods off to sleep.
* * *
The Brits call them "howlers." A
clipping from the London Times sent by Bill Powers of Setauket shows
they're universal:
From the USA: "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the
cow."
From Africa: "The Fallopian tube is named after the monk who first
discovered it."
From England: "Trees break wind for up to 200 yards."
* * *
Back to Halloween -- and further
light from cyberspace:
"There are over 3,814 covens and 423 Satanic cults known to exist
in the United States." (Does Cardinal Ratzinger know about this?)
"Witches and Satanists do not advertise. They look and act just
like us. They may work with you. They may live next door." (Don't look now but
that may be a witch sitting next to you even as you read this.)
And a few signs of witchcraft in the 'hood:
"Has jewelry or tattoos of witchcraft or Satanic symbol."
"Commonly wears black and/or red clothing."
"Goes to 'gatherings' or 'parties' on Oct. 31, April 30, Feb. 2,
June 23, Aug. 1, Dec. 21, or any night with a full or new moon." (This is going
to catch a lot of you.)
"Enjoys being naked and/or sleeps in the nude." (Sic wouldn't know
about that.)
This "public service," which Sic suspects is tongue-in-cheek,
purports to come from PFTP, whatever that is.
* * *
The following ode was written by Jim
Eakin, who modestly described it as "a working of the Holy Spirit":
The popemobile Is a real humdinger Designed for His
Holiness By Cardinal Ratzinger To protect the pope As he travels
about. The people see in, But the pope can't see out.
National Catholic Reporter, November 1,
1996
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