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Sic declares early for the next election


Prayer is hot. But how to do it? According to Sr. Mary Williams in a 1972 issue of The Critic, one of the disciples asked: "Lord, teach us to pray." And the Lord said:

"When you pray say: If it's Sunday evening, turn to page 395 in the blue book. This is Sunday IV, evening prayer II. Sunday IV, evening prayer I is for Saturday evening. Turn to Supplement I for the prayer for Sunday, but first say the beginning prayer on page 395. If it's Lent, however, you say the hymn on page 140 in Supplement III instead of the hymn on page 395. If it's Advent or Eastertime or the feast of the dedication of a church ..."

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Br. Craig of the Monks of Adoration wrote a cook book called Love Yourself, so Hate the Weight, telling how he lost 114 pounds in 14 months causing him or his brothers or handlers to dub him the Metabolic Monk. Does Cardinal Ratzinger know this guy was so overweight in the first place?

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In His Holiness, the Bernstein-Politi blockbuster, one can read: "One of the things you learn about the Catholic church is that it is set up to collect information on the faithful," (adviser Richard) Allen had explained to presidential candidate (Ronald) Reagan. "It is excellent information. An ideal intelligence agency would be set up the way the Vatican is. Its intelligence is absolutely first-rate."

Does Jesus Christ, the alleged founder, know about this?

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Careerist's credo at the Vatican (quoted by unnamed Vatican source in Tom Reese's upcoming book):

Don't think.
If you think, don't speak.
If you think and speak, don't write.
If you think and speak and write, don't sign your name.
If you think and speak and write your name, don't be surprised.
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Sic's friend Amica faxed us these "Facts of Life":

  • "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
  • "If you can't get the work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."
  • "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
  • "Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before."
  • "A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
  • "Always remember to pillage before you burn."
  • "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
  • "A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to &@!* and make you feel happy to be on your way."
  • "Law of probability dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
  • "The first 90 percent of a project takes 90 percent of the time, and the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent of the time."
* * *

Tom Brubeck of Silver Spring must be running for something. He says he tucks copies of Sic into letters "the way nuns used to send holy cards." Sic loves this concept and as soon as the rules change will nominate Brubeck to the College of Cardinals, which, as regular readers know, will then be changed to the College of Buckaroos.

* * *

Jim Cassidy of Glendora, Calif., a "devoted fan" of This Space, wonders how to address us in the light of our new "august powers." Just call us Sic, we say, though Sir Sic is good too (we're trying to recall what august powers we got).

Cassidy takes us to task for our use of "oxymoron," which, he says, is what they call graduates of the local Occidental College.

* * *

Suddenly, everyone is taking Sic to task. William H. Burke of Kalamazoo goes after us for our allegedly lax use of the word "wax" to mean -- well, it's way too subtle for Sic, but Lax-wax (or is it Wax-lax?) should be in every medicine cabinet. "I would never consent to serve as the running mate of a presidential candidate who misuses "to wax," Burke goes on, referring no doubt to Sic's recent decision to run for president. But if Sic desists from waxing the wrong way, he writes, "I could vet your speeches."

Only four more years.

* * *

Wrote Franciscan Fr. Vincent Elsen from Crowley: "Take for your running mate (someone named) Tired," and run as Sic and Tired. "We all could vote for that," writes Elsen, so Sic is calling on all persons named Tired to send resumes.

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Any letter that begins "Most Wonderful Sic" is going places. This is Rachel Kercher: "I know at this time you seem to have come to an impasse, but I believe I have a possible solution to your infallibility block." In addition to being infallible, Kercher points out, the pope has other tricks up his sleeve. He can, for example, declare saints. "I believe," K goes on, "that if you declare a saint, it would jog your infallibility and set the mood for an unimpeachable declaration."

Even Sic could see what was coming next. K of course had a candidate for canonization: "Erin, my dearest Welsh Corgi," now, alas, departed, but whom K, warming to her subject, sees not only as sainted but as a potential coauthor of This Space. "(Erin) found you particularly funny," she says.

Sic, however, doesn't think Erin has the miracles under her belt that canonization requires. We also understand that a lot of money needs to change hands before true sainthood is achieved, and Erin isn't yet there, not by a large sum.

* * *

Harry James Cargas, the famous author, writes: "As his first pro-Darwinian pronouncement, perhaps the pope will declare, infallibly, whether birds did or did not evolve from dinosaurs."

Sic, who spent many years studying the natural law, thinks birds evolved from someplace above your head whence they splat on your windshield or even on your head if you are not in the state of grace.

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And William J. Collinge of Emmitsburg sent a headline from Baltimore's The Catholic Review: "Vatican paper hails marriage act."

This and a go-ahead to evolution all in one week! Has some crazy bunch of liberals taken over the curia?

National Catholic Reporter, November 15, 1996