Homosexual children a gift,
bishops say
By JOHN L. ALLEN
JR. NCR Staff
Parents and activists generally welcomed the U.S. bishops
new pastoral letter, Always Our Children, for its appeal to parents
to place support of gay and lesbian children first, above moral condemnation of
homosexual activity. The letter, addressed to parents of homosexuals, was
released Oct. 1 by the bishops committee on marriage and family life.
The letter counsels compassion even as it underscores traditional
teaching on the sinfulness of homogenital behavior.
Amid the strong emotions parents often experience when gay and
lesbian children come out, parents should avoid distancing
themselves from their children, the bishops urge, noting that rejection can
increase the risk of suicide and substance abuse. They point out that parents
often feel anger, fear, guilt, loneliness and shame.
Your love can be tested by this reality, but it can also
grow stronger through your struggle to respond lovingly, the bishops
write. They urge parents to regard gay and lesbian children as gifted and
called for a purpose in Gods design and to seek appropriate
guidance for their children and themselves.
I think its very pastoral, very compassionate,
said School Sister of Notre Dame Jeannine Gramick, a pioneer in Catholic gay
and lesbian ministry. It will be of great value in helping the Catholic
community become more welcoming and sensitive.
Ive known lots of parents who have struggled with the
question of whether to love their kid or their church more, said Charles
Connors, a Catholic from Boston and father of a 30-year-old gay son. Now,
the grounds for that struggle should be gone. I couldnt be more
grateful.
At the same time, some critics charged that parts of the document
reflect an overemphasis on sexual conduct, as opposed to other objects of moral
concern. Others worried that the letter, while acknowledging that most
homosexuals experience their orientation as a given rather than a
choice, does not clearly reject therapy aimed at reversing homosexual
orientation.
Some also regretted that a controversial section on the primacy of
conscience was dropped from the final version of the document. A key line from
that section had stated, A person must always obey the certain judgment
of his or her conscience. Experts who advised the bishops in drafting the
letter said some prelates were worried that the line might appear to sanction
disregard of church teaching.
Further, some parents felt that the letter neglected their most
basic struggle -- wanting their gay children both to remain faithful Catholics
and to experience love and intimacy, in the face of church teaching requiring
them to remain celibate.
Thats my issue, said Nancy Mascotte, a Catholic
whose son is gay. I want my son to be able to love someone, to be loved,
without the church suggesting its wrong. I wish the bishops would finally
get their act together on that point.
Still, reaction was generally enthusiastic to the letters
pastoral tone. For the bishops to say we dont need to be ashamed,
that this can even be a blessing, is a great step forward, said Marge
Mayer, mother of a 34-year-old gay son and a staff member for the gay and
lesbian ministry office in the Los Angeles archdiocese.
So often parents blame themselves, Mayer said.
Its the standard clichés -- you were a domineering mother,
or a permissive father -- and thats why your child turned out this
way. She said the letter will give great hope to struggling
families.
Auxiliary Bishop Thomas Gumbleton of Detroit, longtime advocate
for acceptance of lesbians and gays in the church, said he hoped the letter
would help break down the homophobia thats in our society and in
our church.
The letter calls on parents to value the full development of
children above all else, and thats a great message, he said.
No parent should feel compelled to make a judgment about the state of
grace of his or her child.
The bishops committee on marriage and family life, headed by
Bishop Thomas OBrien of Phoenix, began studying the concerns of parents
of lesbians and gays in 1992. The document has been through at least three
formal rounds of comment and revision.
Leaders involved in lesbian and gay ministry suggest that the test
of the letters success will be how well church leaders translate its
pastoral approach into action. Gramick noted that only a handful of dioceses
around the nation offer lesbian and gay ministries.
Salvatorian Fr. Robert Nugent, cofounder along with Gramick of New
Ways Ministries for lesbian and gay Catholics, pointed out that just as the
letter was issued, Bishop John Egan of Bridegport, Conn., refused to allow a
retreat for Catholic parents of homosexuals on diocesan property.
Ironically, Always Our Children recommends
participating in a retreat designed for Catholic parents of homosexual
children.
Gramick found the section on lifestyle troubling. I
dont think we need to harp on the immorality of homosexual
activity, she said. Why bring it up? Its been said many times
before. She argued that much more attention should be paid to the need
for pastoral outreach and reducing prejudice and discrimination against gays.
The document does stress that injustice, oppression or
violence toward gays or lesbians is wrong, but notes that the church
has the right to deny public roles of service and leadership to any
person, homosexual or heterosexual, whose public behavior openly violates
its teachings.
Gramicks concerns were echoed by Fr. Jim Schexnayder,
executive director of the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and
Gay Ministries. If the letter were addressed to parents of heterosexual
children, Im not sure the sexuality aspect would be dealt with so
repetitively, he said. On balance, though, Schexnayder said he regarded
the letter as a major advance.
Bob Miailovich, president of Dignity/USA, a Catholic advocacy
group on behalf of lesbian and gay issues, said he found the statement
tremendously positive and possibly a sign that some of our
message has been heard.
Miailovich is concerned, however, about the passages on therapy.
He regards the wording on counseling to be weak.
The text waffles a little bit here, and practitioners of
so-called change therapy may still find a warrant for what they
do, he said. Therapy that starts off with a presumption that
homosexuals need to be converted is very destructive.
According to consultants who worked on the document, an earlier
draft had recommended therapists who recognize the relative
unchangability of sexual orientation. The final text was more ambiguous,
suggesting therapists with an appreciation of religious values who
understand the complex nature of sexuality.
Nugent lamented deletion of the section on conscience. I
suppose the fear is, if we teach the primacy of conscience, people will take it
as a license not to follow church teachings, he said.
Nugent said dropping the section was probably a compromise
move designed to reassure more conservative bishops concerned about
watering down moral strictures governing homosexual conduct.
Nugent, who acted as a consultant to the bishops conference
on the letter, called it ground-breaking. The document will validate
attempts to reach out to gay and lesbian Catholics and their parents, he
said.
National Catholic Reporter, October 10,
1997
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