Sic
Sic, in surprise
move, extracts splendid new hat from the Vat
Better sit down cause Sic -- how can we say this with
modesty? -- not since the day we realized we were infallible (1995, if
were not mistaken) have we been so, well, words fail us.
* * *
It all started when Sic mentioned in a recent column that if any
reader were in touch with the Vatican, and if the subject came up, Sic
would not look askance at a red hat.
Were not the first not to look askance at a red hat and get
nowhere, so we went on with the task, not always an easy one, of being ourself.
Imagine, then, our surprise when a sizable box arrived with -- did you really
guess it? -- the father and mother of a red hat (you may now take a moment to
look at the hat in the picture; try to imagine its red).
Its an impeccable hat, the reddest hat you ever did see,
with a chin band and everything. Our first thought was, they dont make
them like that anymore, and we briefly longed for the good old days. Then we
went running through the streets shouting, Were a cardinal!
Were a cardinal! until the police arrested us.
* * *
In an unrelated scenario, if the sister of St. Francis had been
named Cissy instead of Clare, she would now be St. Cissy of Assisi. Not that it
matters.
* * *
Cyberspace, apart from its primary purpose of making Bill Gates
richer than all other humans combined, serves on the side to give and get goofy
interoffice stuff such as these squawks or complaints by U.S. Air
Force pilots, and the maintenance crews replies:
Squawk: Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement.
Reply: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Squawk: Test flight OK, except autoland very
rough.
Reply: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Squawk #1: #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Reply #1: #2 propeller seepage normal.
Squawk #2: #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage.
Squawk: Something loose in cockpit.
Reply: Something tightened in cockpit.
Squawk: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear.
Replay: Evidence removed.
Squawk: Number three engine missing.
Reply: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.
* * *
The red hat came with a letter from none other than +Cardinal
Johannes Profundus Nemo (with that little telltale plus before his name), who
couldnt have been more tactful. Please pardon the temerity of this
salutation, since you and I have never met, Nemo began. Sure, Sic is
infallible and all, but this guys a cardinal and walking in the footsteps
of sundry apostles, and hes worried about temerity. It was breathtaking.
Better still, Nemo was, he said, a Sic fan. Accordingly, we (at the
Vatican) are pleased to send you the enclosed Galero, in the hope that you will
guard and treasure it as a token of our respect for your admirable apostolate
of the press.
* * *
Since the Vatican is a teaching institution, Nemo couldnt
resist turning the hat into a teaching moment: Since Vat II, we (at the
Vat) tend to see cardinalatial Galeros in the same category as priestly
birettas (i.e., passé). Passé! Over our dead body, we
fulminated.
Nemo went on: We (ATV) trust that you are well aware of the
rubrics regarding the use, or nonuse, of the cardinalatial Galero. Historically
it has been worn by its recipients only once -- at the moment it is conferred.
Thereafter, it will be seen, in public, only hanging suspended from the
ceiling, above the main altar, in the recipients titular church, after
the death of its recipient. That is, over our dead body.
* * *
Also unrelated: Anonymous sent us an official invitation to:
Evening Prayer & Blessing of the Pontifical Regalia, Cathedral of St.
Francis of Assisi, Metuchen, New Jersey. Do the lads (at the Vat) know
about this, and why didnt the pontifical regalia go where the biretta
went? We need a council. Vat III is so long overdue, they should hold Vat III
and Vat IV simultaneously to move things along.
* * *
Meanwhile, Flori Ignoffo writes from Columbia: Dear Sic.
Please tell you-know-who (on page 2) I need a weekly fix of Sic. This world
needs more laugh therapy.
We love the concept, but you-know-who is not in a merry mood --
feels vulnerable since we came strutting with that snappy chapeau. And did you
read the stuff on page 2 about his bad back? He could have gotten years off in
Purgatory had he suffered in silence like everyone else, if you ask Sic.
* * *
But Nemo wasnt yet finished: In truth it is one of our
most pleasant duties here (ATV) to read your publication regularly and
assiduously. In fact we often receive multiple copies of a given issue,
highlighted and underlined by your admiring readers. Admiring in
the Latin sense of admiratio. (It is a little known fact that admiratio really
means Cardinal Ratzinger is watching you.)
But whats this? Nemo goes on: In keeping with our
tradition of discretion here (ATV), we deem it wise to counsel you that your
selection as one worthy of this honor remains as we say here (at the Vat)
in petto. Knowing your discretion and prudence, we (ATV) are
confident that you will honor this long-standing code by avoiding any
publicity, not to mention media hype, about this award.
In petto, as everyone knows, means up your
sleeve. So now were up Nemos sleeve. This raises the
question: Who is Nemo? Sics investigations took us down the darkest
corridors and (dare we say it?) Byzantine bureaucracies of the Vatican, where
sources spoke in awe of Nemos scholarship, virtue and flair for
haberdashery.
It was Nemo, the sources told us, who uttered the famous phrase,
Nemo dat quod non habet, which roughly means, if you get dat hat
from Nemo, you should smell a rat. We knew then we were at the heart of a great
mystery. What if this unheralded Nemo were papabile? You can count on Sic to
get to the bottom of this.
National Catholic Reporter, October 31,
1997
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