Sic
Sics
non-askance glancing gets greedy
The Catholic world is still buzzing with news of Sics
October surprise. In case you missed it, the sensational event began with our
suggestion that, if the folks at the Vatican were willing, Sic would not
look askance at a red hat. And so it was done -- a spectacular piece of
headgear, courtesy of the mysterious Cardinal Nemo, making our humble self a
cardinal.
We dont wish to push our luck, but, if anyone asks, Sic
would not look askance at a Mercedes Benz.
* * *
If the material in This Space is not up to snuff, blame El
Niño.
* * *
You havent heard the last of Mother Teresa and Princess
Diana. Mary Hazlett (It is good to laugh) sent a Jewell Cardwell
column of kids comments:
Ashley, 4: Mother T is an older woman, you know. She helps
people by going around, picking things up and helping the poor.
Maria, 5: She gave the poor people stuff that other people
stole, and shes a nun with green eyes, light skin, red nails, a big
sparkling ring, diamond earrings. ... Shes up in heaven with my great
grandma and my dog Cassie, ruling the earth with God.
Troi, 5, thought Mother T and Princess D were one and the same:
Shes white and wears a thing on her head.
Maeve, 6: She had a heart attack in Indiana.
* * *
Fr. Joseph Gallagher writes from Baltimore to say the Little
Flower, recently declared a doctress of the church by the pope, believed women
should be priests. So the document doctoring her begins: Non obstantibus
aliquis opinionibus ridiculosis ... (Despite some silly opinions
...). You are not obliged to believe this.
* * *
Bill Bookshelf Graham quotes from a student research
paper: God is the master of all. He holds a PhD in everything.
* * *
And dont tell Clare Will Faulhaber that women are not
ordainable or other lukewarm theology like that. Writes she:
When bishops hold forth atop their podium,
I take their words with a grain of sodium.
* * *
The following awry headlines were sent to NCR by fax:
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told.
Miners refuse to work after death.
Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant.
Two Soviet ships collide, one dies.
Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout
counter.
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10
years.
If strike isnt settled quickly, it may last
awhile.
Cold wave linked to temperatures.
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead.
Man struck by lightning faces battery charges.
Kids make nutritious snacks.
* * *
Writes Edmund Doerre from Chippewa Falls, who calls himself
Foolperson: I have recently burst out of the closet, and now
freely admit to all my Foolconfreres that I am a Sicaholic, especially since
you admitted your infallibility.
It gets better: I do not quite understand, however, why your
estimable editor does not allow you to satisfy my cravings -- and the cravings
of so many thousands -- on a weekly basis.
Is this a wise fool or what?
* * *
Doerre, an alleged member of the Fraternal Order of St. Odo the
Lesser, boasts of having interviewed Card Ratzinger (not his real name) back in
1990 at which time the Fool accused the church of some tacky teachings in the
past.
Such teaching appears to be in error, said R
(not his real name), but we must remember that at the time it was given
it was inspired and hence infallible.
We can tell you right now that Sic will never stoop to such
weak-kneed infallibility as that.
* * *
Sics friend Amica found these on the Internet --
theyre what inquiring minds want to know:
What do batteries run on?
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Whats brown and sticky? A stick.
(We never promised theyd be good.)
When their numbers dwindled from 50 to eight, the dwarfs began to
suspect Hungry.
Where does weight go when you lose it?
Why cant we just spell it orderves?
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
* * *
Our special section, Pet of the Week, has, if we may say so,
maintained an uncommonly high standard. That standard takes a dive this week
with the appearance of staff person Teresa Malcolms rat, Joe (not its
real name). This beast, who has been known to hang around the newsroom, raises
serious questions about pets and petting.
* * *
When a suspicious packet arrived wrapped in black plastic, we were
nervous until it turned out to be nothing less than a kneeler cushion from
Mother Angelica. At least, it had her EWTN logo on it. A luxurious item with
inches of foam to protect the pilgrim knee. Where, we thought, had the
pre-Vatican II bare boards gone? If you know for sure that Mother A is a secret
admirer, feel free to tell her Sic wouldnt look askance at a gig on EWTN.
Say Nemo sent you.
National Catholic Reporter, November 21,
1997
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