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Column We baptized him with our tears: A family is forced to
say goodbye
By KRIS BERGGREN
Yesterday my 2-year-old daughter, Betsy, became passionately
attached to a purple balloon filled with helium and tied to a ribbon. She, her
big sister and I walked outside together, balloon clutched tightly in little
fist, when the inevitable tragedy occurred -- the balloon was freed
and floated east into the flawless afternoon sky.
Inconsolable, my baby wailed. She demanded through her tears,
Mama, cant you get it? Why did it go away? I want it back.
Here was true grief. She had that beautiful balloon for a few precious moments.
It was released from her custody too soon, and the loss was devastating.
Last year our family received the great news that we would be
welcoming my sister-in-laws child into our world, our childrens
very first cousin. The day we found out about the pregnancy, the children
laughed and jumped around the house. We talked of gifts for the baby, made
cards, anticipated babysitting and sleepovers. As the due date came and went, I
got excited every time the phone rang, sure it would be the news we were
practically holding our breath for: We had a boy! or
Its a girl!
The phone finally rang the following week, but our joy turned to
shock and grief as Mary called, following what should have been a routine
checkup, with the terrible news: There is no heartbeat.
They had a day to prepare for the labor that would be induced
through an intravenous drip of pitocin, a synthetic hormone that stimulates
uterine contractions. Mary, who had planned on drug-free childbirth, took
advantage of a numbing spinal injection to take away the physical pain, some
small comfort amid the nearly unbearable agony of giving birth to a stillborn
child.
Mary and her husband are faith-filled people, blessed with many
friends and loving families. They have so many friends because they love so
well. They make time for what is important: remembering birthdays (especially
their nieces and nephews), holidays with family, her annual
womens weekends with her tight-knit group of high school friends, his ski
races and coaching events, their small faith community. They have chosen to
face the challenge of losing their child with courage, and in the context of
their faith. It is so tempting to ask, Why me? Why us? and I am
sure they have privately wondered this. It is tempting to assign blame.
Born still. Still, born.
Instead, their energy went immediately into spending as much time
as possible with their son, for though he was not born alive, they were allowed
to keep him during their hospital stay, to bathe and cradle him -- to be, for a
few fleeting hours, a family of three. Their strapping baby boy, Leo, weighed 8
pounds, 7 ounces, and was 23 inches long. All the uncles, aunts and
grandparents who could arrange to be there gathered at the hospital that
evening. We took turns holding our nephew and grandson. We baptized him
with our tears, said their friend Fr. Bill Murtaugh, who came to pray
with us.
Like Betsy and the balloon, we dont know why Leo went away
or why we cant have him back. Nobody should bury their child. Nobody
should witness parents carrying, instead of a newly baptized baby, a small
casket out of the church.
One of my daughters teachers asked about our childrens
response to the death. My 6-year-olds first reaction to the loss of this
much-anticipated baby was anger. But I wanted a cousin! she
protested. Minutes later the tears flowed from her rage. My 7-year-olds
eyes welled up, and he fell silent for a long time and took turns on my lap and
his fathers. But they do not dwell on their loss. They seemed comforted
by the explanation offered by a family friend, that they indeed still have a
cousin, though he will not grow up with them.
The teacher said, They are still close to where they came
from. They still have an inside connection to the Mystery of what lies
beyond human consciousness.
As my daughters and I watched the balloon fade into the blue
beyond, I ventured silliness to distract my tearful child. Maybe we can
ask that birdie to fly up and get it for you, I tried, pointing to a
nearby sparrow. The wails got louder. Her sister had a better idea. I
know! Well ask Leo to get it.
Leos funeral was held on another impeccable summer day.
Among other songs, prayers and scripture, an excerpt from Kahlil Gibrans
The Prophet was read:
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open
your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the
river and the sea are one. ... Only when you drink from the river of silence
shall you indeed sing. ... And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then
shall you truly dance.
And retrieve all the stray balloons, so there will be no more
weeping.
Kris Berggren lives in Minneapolis.
National Catholic Reporter, July 31,
1998
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