Sic
Joe, the eyebrow
thing, God, Starr, Sophia, Sophia and Sic
Sics neighbor Joe -- not to be confused with Luigi -- was
having an after-work drink in a local bar when a gorgeous woman entered. Joe
couldnt help staring. The woman noticed this and came directly toward
him.
(Dont be nervous about reading on -- this is a family
newspaper.)
Ill do anything for you, absolutely anything you want,
for $100, she says. But on one condition: You have to tell me what
you want in just three words.
Joe, mesmerized, slowly takes his wallet from his pocket and
counts out five $20 bills, which he presses into her hand. He looks deeply into
her eyes and says, Paint my house.
* * *
Those who think orthodoxy or even holiness might be reasons Rome
makes certain people bishops are wrong. Eyebrows are the litmus test. Next time
you meet him, look your bishop in the eyebrows -- if theyre big and
bushy, you know hes the genuine article. (Someone should write a thesis
about this.)
* * *
More cute letters from cute kids to God:
Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so
much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. (Danny)
Dear God: I think the stapler is one of your greatest
inventions. (Ruth)
Dear God: I bet it is very hard for you to love everybody in
the whole world. There are only four people in our family, and I can never do
it. (Nan)
Dear God: If you watch me in church Sunday, Ill show
you my new shoes. (Mickey)
Dear God: I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the
Bible. (Chris)
Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they
said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. (Donna)
* * *
Dan Brown from Fullerton and Italy sends the following comment on
Augustines Confessions from one of his classes: This book
contains the often quoted passage ... Give me chastity and contingency,
only not yet.
* * *
Are you sitting down? A message from cyberspace and, we think, an
entity called The Onion goes: In a historic reversal of its nearly
2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic church announced Tuesday that it
is permanently rescinding the traditional blessed status of the
worlds meek. ... Screw the meek, the Vatican is said to have
said.
Citing two millennia of inaction and
nonachievement by the worlds impoverished and downtrodden, the
Vatican contends that the meeks historic inability to improve their
worldly status constituted bad faith on their part. ... For
years the Catholic church has made every effort to help them, but enough is
enough. We are patient but we are not saints.
* * *
When This Space reported some time ago that a new novel of dubious
merit called Papabile by the person on page 2 actually contained sexual
material on page 64, only two doughty readers wrote to correct us. Jim
OLeary of Corpus Christi suggested page 41 instead, while Fr. Joe
Gallagher of Baltimore said page 94. Sic now confesses telling a lie, not
believing anyone would read the book in the first place. (But now we know who
went looking for the sexy stuff!)
* * *
A year ago the pundits were saying Kenneth Starr had spent $40
million on the Clinton debacle. The pundits are still saying $40 million. Are
the Starr persons working pro bono, or could some mathematician cast the
necessary light?
* * *
Patrick Marrin, editor of Celebration, contends its
not the bishops eyebrows: The litmus test is the ability to
walk that crosier with the left hand (you dont just carry a
crosier, you know), dispense apostolic blessings with the right, while walking
in procession all the while. Try it sometime. The ability simultaneously to
chew gum, while a definite sign of versatility, is not conducive to the red
hat.
* * *
Sic cannot decide whether various lawyers actually said these
things they are alleged to have said to witnesses:
Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in
his sleep he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
Did he kill you?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?;
How many times have you committed suicide?;
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?;
Q: You were shot in the fracas?;
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel.;
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?;
A: Oral.;
Q: Doctor, is it possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?;
A: No.;
Q: How can you be so sure?;
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.;
Q: But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?;
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.;
* * *
Sics Pet of the Week section has had its moments. This
weeks appearance by Sophia the Pug, roommate of NCRs John
Allen and his wife, Shannon, may not be one of them. But if even 10 people
write to defend this beasts reputation (recall the biblical reading about
10 just -- yes, men), Sic promises to buy the suddenly beautiful animal a bag
of kibbles and stuff like that.
* * *
Sophia from Farmington, no relation to the pug above, writes,
Dearest Sic: How could you? You cant blink on the matter of
infallibility.
This is a reference to Sics throwing in the towel on
infallibility some months ago. We had for a year or more worked ourselves into
contortions of angst trying to squeeze a few infallible drops out of the
deposit of faith, but the well was dry. Everything we felt vaguely infallible
about didnt seem worth pronouncing on, and vice versa, or something.
Then, adding insult to injury, the pope got cocky and went on an
infallible rampage. In the past few weeks he has dragged everything faintly
resembling faith and morals into his infallible tent accompanied by threats of
anathema.
Dont bother taking out one of those full-page ads in The
New York Times: Sic is not planning an infallibility comeback.
* * *
A July letter from Bostons Bishop William Murphy, moderator
of the curia, to the priests of the archdiocese is full of housekeeping items
such as which lectionary they may use. Then follows an endearing paternal
admonition: This is the fourth year I say to all of you: Please make sure
to take time for vacation, rest and renewal. We all have had a busy year. I see
too many priests who are oversextending themselves ...
National Catholic Reporter, August 28,
1998
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