Sic
New decree on
pastoral care of lefties
Any NCR reader who has not yet testified before Ken
Starrs grand jury may arrange same by calling your local chancery.
* * *
You think its easy being Sic? It hasnt gotten any
easier since, in a paroxysm of hubris, This Space waged war on Satan.
As everyone from here to hell knows, the devil is a tough nut to
crack, all scales and talons and that tail. At least thats the story. So
imagine our consternation as day after day we failed to locate anything
answering this description.
* * *
The deposit of faith is not a deposit for nothing. Its no
accident that, when Beelzebub is mentioned, words like wily and
sinister leap to mind, not words like pushover or dumdum
and certainly not significant other.
* * *
Highbrow Sic fans -- if thats not an oxymoron -- may skip
the following drivers excuses for doing what they did (sure, its
twaddle, and were embarrassed ourself, but theres so much
existential terror in the neighborhood and only the ridiculous can conquer sin
and death, or, in our case, Satan):
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when
I put my head through it.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the road.
* * *
John A. Lynch of Framingham enclosed the bulletin of a certain
parish in Massachusetts announcing that two rows of pews would be removed from
the back of the church. It turns out the archbishop, a little short of clergy,
stipulated that no Mass could be celebrated at which less than half the
seating capacity is filled.
Some year soon, if this strategy continues, there will be only two
pews left and then one pew. Finally, that pew will start getting shorter and
shorter. Someone should write a dissertation about this.
* * *
Sic has received an unofficial translation from the
dubious Maurice F.X. McNulty of an allegedly recent Declaration on the
Pastoral Care of Left-Handed Persons. A short excerpt will do:
Having already disposed of other perversions, it becomes
necessary to speak out with profound disgust regarding yet another aberration
which, like the pulling of a polyester fiber, threatens to unravel the seamless
garment of faith.
This particular menace has been propagated by those who,
basing their opinions on spurious sophisms of the pseudo-sciences, claim it is
acceptable, or even normal, to use the left hand when engaging in manual
activities.
* * *
Go on, call Starr. Youll feel better. And maybe get a book
deal.
* * *
Local police say Colombia had a total of 1,822 kidnappings last
year, a world record. Now for the first time a saint has been abducted.
According to Reuters, a pastor of San Pablo named Bianchi has taken the statue
of St. Paul, housed for 50 years in the local church, hostage. The church is in
terrible shape, Bianchi says, and until the parishioners cough up $5,000 the
miracle-working statue will be God-knows where.
At least one parishioner, Humberto Marimon, agrees with the
priest: That saint wouldnt have left the church if he didnt
want to.
* * *
Sics Pet of the Week is Scully, owned by NCRs
own Teresa Malcolm. The reason: There was no other pet available. Between
ourselves, Sic saw this Scully, who looks like a nice dog, attack, with much
snarling, John Allens pug, a dog so ugly that no other dog should ever
get upset with her. As canine tensions run high, Sic wonders if anyone out
there has a pet hippo, or a warthog, anything but another dog.
* * *
From the Internet Sic learns of weird trends in the evolution of
languages, with hints of worse to come:
In 20 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a
vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear,
leaving only an extended Eauuuuuuuuuuuu. Meaning will be inferred
from facial expression.
The redundant French consonants will not be entirely forgotten;
they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by then have no use for vowels.
Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb at
the end, of course.
* * *
Theres nothing worse than being a cardinal and the word
getting out that your brother is a loan shark. Thats what happened to
Naples Cardinal Michele Giordano. Then before you have time to swing a
thurible, the cardinal is accused of collusion in the loansharking.
Sounds like a great time for a miracle, which is what the cardinal
worked, according to the Associated Press, when he caused a vial of the dried
blood of St. Gennaro, patron saint of the city, to liquefy after 50
minutes of intense prayer.
* * *
So anyway, were walking home after work when, right before
our eyes stood a person (gender etiquette gets tricky here) impeccably dressed
in blue stripe suit, smiling a beguiling smile, waving at yours truly. We found
ourself drawn to this attractive personage who was wearing dark glasses and
sporting wavy hair, the non-gray kind that Sic would kill for.
Then, to our surprise, we noticed the handsome person also sported
a couple of horns, in the usual place, not big ostentatious horns but small
discreet ones. Odd, we thought. Sure, its October, but its not
Halloween. So we smiled our most ingratiating smile. ... (to be continued).
(This is the first time we have used suspense to hold readers hostage. We were
crazy not to do so sooner.)
National Catholic Reporter, October 23,
1998
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