Sic
Sic, on a prophecy
roll, predicts tallest pope ever
Hey, did you see, yknow, Inside NCR, last week, crowing
about (are you sitting down?) poetry. With never a word that This Space has
brought poetry to the great unwashed for years.
* * *
Rome recently outlined conditions under which Catholics who do
charitable deeds during the Holy Year 2000 can gain an indulgence, reducing
time in Purgatory. But time has no place in Purgatory, a reader wrote, and
concluded, I hereby vote to have Sic delve into this matter.
Heres what Sic, rising to the challenge, finds. Youre
down in Purgatory, see (for the geographically challenged, Purgatory is down
three miles under Vatican City. If youre ever visiting the offices of the
Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, youll notice an old, steep
stairs going down from the scullery, with a vague Latin sign on it saying:
Habe diem pulchram.
Everyone knows its Purgatory down there, and were all
only one false step away from it) -- so, anyway, youre down in Purg and
then it hits you, theres no time here, only an interminable present. In
that endless now, Congressman Henry Hyde is telling everyone Purgatory is what
the American people want, while Linda Tripp and (Sics favorite) Ken Starr
interview each other for all eternity about the sounds and smells of good and
evil, not to mention missed book deals up there on earth.
* * *
And now for some of the sophomoric whatnots for which This Space
is justly famous, namely, sayings by famous people and others:
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and Im just the one to do it (congressional candidate in
Texas).
The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the
environment. This is a good planet (Mr. New Jersey contestant, asked what
hed do with a million dollars).
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused
the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the
killings? The killers are to blame (Dan Quayle).
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind (Gen. William Westmoreland).
If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter
will be cut right out from under your feet (Former British Foreign
Minister Ernest Bevin).
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
(Dan Quayle).
* * *
Just when Sic thought life was going swimmingly and the
infallibility monkey was off our back, along comes this prophecy thing.
Its amazing how much of the future your average human can see by looking
hard enough. For example, we were looking this morning and saw that the next
pope will be a 6 foot 11 inch basketball player who never misses from 3-point
range and (heres the divine intervention part) minored in theology and
Italian when he was a student at Georgetown before jumping to the pros after
his sophomore year just in time for the recent strike (sometimes the prophecy
bug provides more prophecy than is really necessary). What a papacy it will be,
topped by a pointy hat, and a soupçon of swagger and everyone shouting
Slam dunk, Your Holiness.
* * *
Seamus Doyle E-mails to say: Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot
everywhere, so his feet became thick and hard. A spiritual man often on hunger
strike, he became thin and frail. Also, due to his diet of raw grains, he ended
up with bad breath. Thus he came to be known as a super callused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis.
* * *
CWNews.com announces a notorious purveyor of on-line
pornography, Seth Warshavsky, plans live coverage of John Pauls
visit to St. Louis. There is a natural synergy here, Warshavsky
says: Sex is what drives our business and ... the Catholic church has had
a very rich sexual history and still plays a powerful role in the sex lives of
its members.
Youre right, this is not a bit funny. Sics primary
purpose, as always, is to educate and inspire.
* * *
Speaking of papal visits, The Cornell Review promises
a new line of Brazilian lingerie in cardinal purple will make
its debut during Pope John Paul IIs visit to Brazil. The lingerie
people mean no disrespect, they insist; its just that the cardinals
colors are sensual and sophisticated. Only a dissident would
disagree.
* * *
Sics Pet of the Week is Carol Jankunas Kiko from
Northglenn, who, out with Jankunas and her husband on a predawn walk,
disappeared in a sinkhole and remained 20 feet under for seven hours until more
than 25 firefighters came and rescued him (a good thing there were no fires in
Northglenn).
* * *
A letter from the Catholic Press Association to its
registered agents (that is, we think, editors) conveys an
invitation from the Ministry of Tourism of the State of Israel to 20 CPA
leaders ... to participate in the Holy Land 2000 Leaders Conference in Israel,
Feb. 17-23, as guests of the government of Israel.
Whew, we said to ourself, isnt this the darndest thing. But
it gets better: Eligible editors may invite their bishop to participate
in the conference as guests of the government as well. All expenses paid,
if you can just get to that plane with Gaza Strip painted on the
tail.
Sic has been a CPA fan ever since we won the CPA Best Column Award
(the culture section), oh, years ago. We can only hope this cutting-edge
journalistic gig will be followed by other invitations from, say, the Ivory
Coast or Romania. Personally were saving ourself for Bangladesh.
* * *
A highlight of recent CPA conventions, Sic is informed, has been
an Israeli video of happy frolickers on Israels golden strands while
Yasir Arafat darn near drowns in the muddy Palestinian waters nearby.
National Catholic Reporter, January 29,
1999
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