Sic Mandatory miracles from Elvis and Israel
If youre like Sic, youre depressed cause
Monicagate is over. No more House Manager (HM) McCollum, no more HMs Hyde,
Hatch, Abbot, Costello and a journalist named Drudge. Those of us who can stand
it look back at one brief shining moment well remember as -- no, Camelot
isnt the word, hey, there must be a word. Were far from closure on
this one.
* * *
Sic is sorry for owners of expensive cars like Rolls Royce or even
Lexus driving around paranoid lest they -- the cars -- get beat up, rusted or
even dirty, not free like the rest of us to back into trees or sideswipe other
clunkers like our own.
* * *
An Italian named Carletti recently took a dossier to the Vatican
to show why Elvis Presley should be beatified. For example, Elvis is bigger in
death than in life, a good sign of sanctity. He also gave to charity. And the
mandatory miracle? He had a miraculous voice, says Carletti.
The Vatican, in the awkward role of devils advocate, said it
would help, for starters, if Elvis were a Catholic. Too late.
* * *
Robert Bentel from St. Paul was in a trendy buffet line where the
to-die-for deserts came first, followed by sandwiches and other boring stuff.
Ill have the rum-rich double chocolate tort, an
elderly man said to the server.
No, dear, were giving up sweets for Lent, the
wife piped up. Hell have a small green salad, she directed
the server.
Before fighting for human rights in China and Iraq, shouldnt
we do something for this man?
* * *
The following goofy things are supposedly said by kids in term
papers. Sic never repeats these except for readers own good:
Unleavened bread is made without any ingredients. ... Moses
went up Mount Cyanide for the 10 Commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. Without them we
wouldnt have history.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits and threw the java.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta insisted no one should be hanged twice for
the same offense.
* * *
If you live next door to Julia Sweeney alias Pat from
Saturday Night Live, drop everything, go next door, knock, and when
she answers say, Are you crazy, Julia, or what? Shell be
puzzled until you hold up the N.Y. Times magazine where Catholic Sweeney
was asked about the pope.
Im really behind his liberation theology, said
she.
* * *
The state of Israel is all geared up to help millennium tourists
walk in Christs footsteps. Sics favorite is the walk-on-water
trick: a bridge one inch under the Sea of Galilee where pilgrims can take each
others photos. We are assured there will be no handrail, which would look
suspicious to the folks back home since Jesus never used a handrail. But there
will be lifeguards and boats for those who, like St. Peter, lack faith or
backbone and get their feet wet.
After 2000, Israel will take the miracle on the road to a lake
near you.
* * *
Marge Roy from Topeka praised This Space: Always read it
second, after the letters. (It would have cost her nothing to ignore the
letters and just say Sic is first.)
She enclosed a Dick Snider column listing potential mergers:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush Co.,
and W.R. Grace Co. The new corporation will be called Hale Mary Fuller
Grace.
And when Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
merge, it will be Knott NOW!
* * *
In an ancient monastery far away, a new monk was assigned to
checking the manuscripts on which his venerable brothers had spent their
lifetimes. After a few days of proofreading he asked Fr. Saecula Saeculorum,
the armarius of the scriptorium: Doesnt anyone ever err or write
typos around here? After centuries of copying from copies, shouldnt we
compare these with the originals?
Excellent point, my son, said Saecula, who next day
descended into the belly of the monastery where the originals were stored.
After a week he had not returned. The monks found him prostrate on the stone
floor and weeping copiously. Oh Lord, the ancient fellow said,
the word should have been celebrate.
* * *
Sics friend Amica found the following tips on love
on-line:
What is the proper age to get married?
Eighty-four, because at that age you dont have to work
anymore, and can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom (Judy,
8).
Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a
wife (Tom, 5).
What do most people do on a date?
On the first date they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date (Mike, 10).
When is it okay to kiss someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and her own VCR cause shell want to have videos of
the wedding (Jim, 10).
On why love happens:
I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isnt so painful (Harlen, 8).
On what falling in love is like:
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
dont want to do it, it takes too long (Leo, 7).
National Catholic Reporter, March 12,
1999
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