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This space will do whatever it takes to elect George W. Bush

After years of huffing and puffing in various vineyards, Sic aims to chuck everything and work for the election of George W. Bush to whatever it is.

(In case you’ve been away from earth, Bush fils, son of -- who else? -- Bush père, before announcing he was running for president, was given half the money in America by people who wanted to be on the right bandwagon. Then GW announced he would actually run, and many entire states signed themselves over to him for his personal use. It’s a whole new thing in politics. It is expected that by New Hampshire, Bush will own all of America except New Jersey, which GW says he doesn’t want anyway, thank you.)

* * *

Adam was loitering in the Garden of Eden looking droopy, or so Sic’s friend Amica informs us. So God said, “What’s wrong with you now?” Adam said he had no one to talk to. God said he’d get a companion for Adam, a woman: “This person will gather food for you, cook for you. When you discover clothes, she’ll wash them for you. She’ll agree with everything you say. She’ll bear your children and never ask you to get up at night to feed them. She won’t nag you, and will always be first after a fight to admit she was wrong. She will never have a headache and will freely provide love, fun and frolic when you need it.”

“What will a woman like this cost?” Adam asked.

“An arm and a leg,” God replied.

“What can I get for a rib?” Adam asked.

The rest is history.

* * *

Pundits say GWB’s position is not to have positions, except of course compassionate conservatism, which is all we need.

Other pundits say George W. doesn’t exist, that he was invented by lobbyists. Some say he was invented by Republicans; others say no it was Democrats. Any reader who doesn’t have an opinion about this is failing to take part in the political process and hastening the demise of democracy as we know it.

* * *

Many pages of info like the following arrive on Sic’s desk:

The world’s oldest known recipe is for beer.

Ninety percent of household dust is composed of human skin (isn’t that disgusting?).

It’s physically impossible to get sick while you’re laughing.

Cucumbers are the only food cockroaches won’t eat (now that you know this, we’re not sure what you ought to do with it).

The placement of a donkey’s eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times (or hooves, if you prefer).

In a deck of cards, the King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A 10-gallon hat holds three-quarters of a gallon.

* * *

A cabby named Jorgen Gilberg was asked to drive a middle-aged Italian male the 1,351 miles from Denmark to Rome, according to news reports. Once they got to St. Peter’s Square, however, the man made a brisk exit from the cab, saying the pope would pay -- the meter said $2,700. There is no evidence His Holiness complied.

One wonders what they talked about all the way to Rome.

* * *

Here’s what kids said about love and marriage:

How can a stranger tell if two people are married? “You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids” (Derrick, 8).

How do you decide who to marry? “You’ve got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming” (Alan, 10).

What is the right age to get married? “Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then” (Camille, 10).

What do most people do on a date? “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough” (Lynette, 8).

What to do when a first date turns sour? “I’d run home and play dead. Next day, I’d call all the newspapers to write about me in all the dead columns” (Craig, 9).

When is it OK to kiss someone? “The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that” (Curt, 7).

* * *

Philadelphia’s Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua recently celebrated 50 years of priesthood. His diocesan newspaper, The Catholic Standard and Times, did a special issue. Sic was most emotionally engaged by the Good Shepherd page. As far as we know, not since Jesus has anyone competed for the Good Shepherd title.

This Space wants to know did the cardinal pose with the lamb or is this just trick photography.

* * *

The Israel Ministry of Tourism has turned up its religious fervor in preparation for the millennium. A recent press release begins: “Israel’s Sea of Galilee will take on an ethereal glow in the coming millennium with the Jubillenium Candle Site on the ancient holy site of Kursi, site of Jesus performing the miracle of the swine. Visitors will be able to light a candle in the Holy Land in honor of a loved one.”

Is this tongue-in-cheek or what? At the very spot the swine met their Waterloo?

The marketing slogan: A blessed candle for the swine in your life.

* * *

Bob Lebel of Glen Ellyn was, some years ago, “hitting the wall” on the occasion of exams for a master’s degree (his fifth, as it happened) when he penned this limerick which no one would publish up to now because -- Lebel cleverly states -- he had only “submitted it to low-level editors who lack your insight and appreciation of true linguistic art.”

Alas for the power-attrition
in matters of high erudition!
With tempus imperious
and mens nigh delirious,
my prose ain’t in first-rate condition.

Lebel finishes by saying, “Hoping you find this useful.”

Whatever else about it, it ain’t useful.

* * *

But seriously, in a final gesture of goodwill for the millennium, the Ministry of Tourism plans to announce that the entire population of Israel will turn Catholic on Christmas Day. The conservative guys with the long beards are not too excited about this. “But if it helps tourism,” their spokesman said, “we’ll give it a whirl.”

National Catholic Reporter, August 13, 1999