Sic
This space will do
whatever it takes to elect George W. Bush
After years of huffing and puffing in various vineyards, Sic aims
to chuck everything and work for the election of George W. Bush to whatever it
is.
(In case youve been away from earth, Bush fils, son
of -- who else? -- Bush père, before announcing he was running
for president, was given half the money in America by people who wanted to be
on the right bandwagon. Then GW announced he would actually run, and many
entire states signed themselves over to him for his personal use. Its a
whole new thing in politics. It is expected that by New Hampshire, Bush will
own all of America except New Jersey, which GW says he doesnt want
anyway, thank you.)
* * *
Adam was loitering in the Garden of Eden looking droopy, or so
Sics friend Amica informs us. So God said, Whats wrong with
you now? Adam said he had no one to talk to. God said hed get a
companion for Adam, a woman: This person will gather food for you, cook
for you. When you discover clothes, shell wash them for you. Shell
agree with everything you say. Shell bear your children and never ask you
to get up at night to feed them. She wont nag you, and will always be
first after a fight to admit she was wrong. She will never have a headache and
will freely provide love, fun and frolic when you need it.
What will a woman like this cost? Adam asked.
An arm and a leg, God replied.
What can I get for a rib? Adam asked.
The rest is history.
* * *
Pundits say GWBs position is not to have positions, except
of course compassionate conservatism, which is all we need.
Other pundits say George W. doesnt exist, that he was
invented by lobbyists. Some say he was invented by Republicans; others say no
it was Democrats. Any reader who doesnt have an opinion about this is
failing to take part in the political process and hastening the demise of
democracy as we know it.
* * *
Many pages of info like the following arrive on Sics
desk:
The worlds oldest known recipe is for beer.
Ninety percent of household dust is composed of human skin
(isnt that disgusting?).
Its physically impossible to get sick while youre
laughing.
Cucumbers are the only food cockroaches wont eat (now that
you know this, were not sure what you ought to do with it).
The placement of a donkeys eyes in its head enables it to
see all four feet at all times (or hooves, if you prefer).
In a deck of cards, the King of Hearts is the only king without a
mustache.
A 10-gallon hat holds three-quarters of a gallon.
* * *
A cabby named Jorgen Gilberg was asked to drive a middle-aged
Italian male the 1,351 miles from Denmark to Rome, according to news reports.
Once they got to St. Peters Square, however, the man made a brisk exit
from the cab, saying the pope would pay -- the meter said $2,700. There is no
evidence His Holiness complied.
One wonders what they talked about all the way to Rome.
* * *
Heres what kids said about love and marriage:
How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You might
have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids
(Derrick, 8).
How do you decide who to marry? Youve got to find
somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming (Alan,
10).
What is the right age to get married? Twenty-three is the
best age because you know the person forever by then (Camille,
10).
What do most people do on a date? Dates are for having fun,
and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something
to say if you listen long enough (Lynette, 8).
What to do when a first date turns sour? Id run home
and play dead. Next day, Id call all the newspapers to write about me in
all the dead columns (Craig, 9).
When is it OK to kiss someone? The law says you have to be
18, so I wouldnt want to mess with that (Curt, 7).
* * *
Philadelphias Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua recently
celebrated 50 years of priesthood. His diocesan newspaper, The Catholic
Standard and Times, did a special issue. Sic was most emotionally engaged
by the Good Shepherd page. As far as we know, not since Jesus has anyone
competed for the Good Shepherd title.
This Space wants to know did the cardinal pose with the lamb or is
this just trick photography.
* * *
The Israel Ministry of Tourism has turned up its religious fervor
in preparation for the millennium. A recent press release begins:
Israels Sea of Galilee will take on an ethereal glow in the coming
millennium with the Jubillenium Candle Site on the ancient holy site of
Kursi, site of Jesus performing the miracle of the swine. Visitors will be able
to light a candle in the Holy Land in honor of a loved one.
Is this tongue-in-cheek or what? At the very spot the swine met
their Waterloo?
The marketing slogan: A blessed candle for the swine in your
life.
* * *
Bob Lebel of Glen Ellyn was, some years ago, hitting the
wall on the occasion of exams for a masters degree (his fifth, as
it happened) when he penned this limerick which no one would publish up to now
because -- Lebel cleverly states -- he had only submitted it to low-level
editors who lack your insight and appreciation of true linguistic
art.
Alas for the power-attrition in matters of high
erudition! With tempus imperious and mens nigh
delirious, my prose aint in first-rate condition.
Lebel finishes by saying, Hoping you find this
useful.
Whatever else about it, it aint useful.
* * *
But seriously, in a final gesture of goodwill for the millennium,
the Ministry of Tourism plans to announce that the entire population of Israel
will turn Catholic on Christmas Day. The conservative guys with the long beards
are not too excited about this. But if it helps tourism, their
spokesman said, well give it a whirl.
National Catholic Reporter, August 13,
1999
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