Amazing new jingles fill churches to rafters
This Space, some weeks ago, told how Milans Cardinal Martini had appealed for a more aggressive church approach to needy souls. An English paper suggested jingles. One thing led to another, culminating in a Jingles for Jesus contest, some results of which you are about to read. While one soul remains in peril, youll find Sic in there throwing fastballs not to mention an occasional slider.
This is from J. J. (not the late cardinal, he says) Kroll:
Id like to see the world for once
Hey, no one said it would be Keats or Shelley.
Theres a prize for the best jingle, a T-shirt donated by NCRs own John I Left My Heart in Steubenville Allen. The shirt is adorned by a picture of the supreme pontiff but thats not all: Theres the papal coat of arms and Wojtylaphile inscribed on the back, or perhaps its the front. Its that kind of T-shirt.
Not everyone knows that Allens masters thesis was Splendor Opifex (Splendor in the Glass, to you): Mirrors and Mirror Magic in Late Hellenistic Antiquity. Since then Allen has moved into the camp of Bart Simpson, a true Greek tragedy, if you ask Sic.
Heres my jingle, designed more to empty R.C. churches than fill them, writes Anne Heutte of Washington, who then goes on to blame some long-gone nun for her concoction, and one can soon see why:
Research will ruin the church
There was an old bishop from Lincoln
If he wins, he wishes the T-shirt to go to charity, but he neednt worry.
Mary Rivera, who writes, Wish I was infallible, too, adds that, Based on research, churchgoers are healthier and live longer. They also write longer:
Bring your children and your friends,
Im not sure whether these are jingles or not, writes Steve McCue, but, as you say, why should it matter? He goes on: I enjoy your column -- when I understand it; and when I dont I figure its just as well. This Space couldnt agree more.
McCue offers a series of catchy whatnots:
Youll wonder where your sins all went when you receive the sacrament.
TOTAL LIQUIDATION! (Nobody gets out alive.)
Salvation is Job 1.
Papal infallibility -- like a rock.
Canon law making life just a little more complicated.
Etymologists, orthodontists and such will tell you the jingle is an American institution like mother and apple pie, but dont believe it. Jingles, like nearly everything else, had their origins in Gregorian chant. It was, historians say, a dark and stormy night, and the monks were hungry, cold and itchy as they struggled through Matins and then Lauds and then suddenly a crazed monk jumped up, pulled a lyre from underneath his garment and began belting out that jingle about Rocky Mountain Coors -- thats how old that beer is. Soon the monks were all jiving in the aisles and the rest is history, or something.
And the evergreen Sr. Rose Tillemans writes:
As Mass begins
But seriously, the Weekly World News scooped even Sic: Miracle Donkey Healing Sick in Jerusalem. But thats not all. This ass is such a thaumaturge that the experts got to work, applied the old DNA technique and discovered that the animal is a direct descendent of the one Jesus rode.
Space wont allow all the jingles in one column. Sorry you wasted your time on these, which were not of a low enough standard to win. The winner and others will appear in the next Sic.
And a last word from the Kroll entry:
Id like to hex the weaker sex,
National Catholic Reporter, September 3, 1999