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Sic
Amazing new jingles
fill churches to rafters
This Space, some weeks ago, told how Milans Cardinal Martini
had appealed for a more aggressive church approach to needy souls. An English
paper suggested jingles. One thing led to another, culminating in a Jingles for
Jesus contest, some results of which you are about to read. While one soul
remains in peril, youll find Sic in there throwing fastballs not to
mention an occasional slider.
* * *
This is from J. J. (not the late cardinal, he says) Kroll:
Id like to see the world for once All kneeling
in the pews. And hear them worship as I please With no dissenting
views. Im the real thing (Credo!), Let the world pray today (Credo
papam!). A flock of sheep that follows me And never goes
astray.
Hey, no one said it would be Keats or Shelley.
* * *
Theres a prize for the best jingle, a T-shirt donated by
NCRs own John I Left My Heart in Steubenville
Allen. The shirt is adorned by a picture of the supreme pontiff but thats
not all: Theres the papal coat of arms and Wojtylaphile inscribed
on the back, or perhaps its the front. Its that kind of
T-shirt.
Not everyone knows that Allens masters thesis was
Splendor Opifex (Splendor in the Glass, to you): Mirrors and Mirror Magic
in Late Hellenistic Antiquity. Since then Allen has moved into the camp
of Bart Simpson, a true Greek tragedy, if you ask Sic.
* * *
Heres my jingle, designed more to empty R.C. churches
than fill them, writes Anne Heutte of Washington, who then goes on to
blame some long-gone nun for her concoction, and one can soon see why:
Research will ruin the church Research will ruin the
church --Hi-ho, the derry-O-- Research will ruin the church.
* * * This one is from Robert N. Barger, whos
from Notre Dame University:
There was an old bishop from Lincoln Whose episcopal
demeanor was stinkin. Then he let Call to Action back in, And said
with a grin: My God, what could I have been thinkin!
If he wins, he wishes the T-shirt to go to charity, but he
neednt worry.
* * *
Mary Rivera, who writes, Wish I was infallible, too,
adds that, Based on research, churchgoers are healthier and live
longer. They also write longer:
Bring your children and your friends, Get to know new
people too; Bingo, potlucks, picnics, news, Always something more to
do.
(Refrain) Come to church, Come to church, Pray with us this
week; Longer life And good health too, Its the best thing you
can do.
* * *
Im not sure whether these are jingles or not,
writes Steve McCue, but, as you say, why should it matter? He goes
on: I enjoy your column -- when I understand it; and when I dont I
figure its just as well. This Space couldnt agree more.
McCue offers a series of catchy whatnots:
Youll wonder where your sins all went when you receive
the sacrament.
TOTAL LIQUIDATION! (Nobody gets out alive.)
Salvation is Job 1.
Papal infallibility -- like a rock.
Canon law
making life just a little more
complicated.
* * *
Etymologists, orthodontists and such will tell you the jingle is
an American institution like mother and apple pie, but dont believe it.
Jingles, like nearly everything else, had their origins in Gregorian chant. It
was, historians say, a dark and stormy night, and the monks were hungry, cold
and itchy as they struggled through Matins and then Lauds and then suddenly a
crazed monk jumped up, pulled a lyre from underneath his garment and began
belting out that jingle about Rocky Mountain Coors -- thats how old that
beer is. Soon the monks were all jiving in the aisles and the rest is history,
or something.
* * *
And the evergreen Sr. Rose Tillemans writes:
As Mass begins We own our sins; Why dont we
also Claim our wins?
* * *
But seriously, the Weekly World News scooped even Sic:
Miracle Donkey Healing Sick in Jerusalem. But thats not all.
This ass is such a thaumaturge that the experts got to work, applied the old
DNA technique and discovered that the animal is a direct descendent of
the one Jesus rode.
Space wont allow all the jingles in one column. Sorry you
wasted your time on these, which were not of a low enough standard to win. The
winner and others will appear in the next Sic.
* * *
And a last word from the Kroll entry:
Id like to hex the weaker sex, The Bible is my
guide. No girls allowed, so I have vowed, With Mary by my side.
Id like to build the world a church And furnish it with
priests. All men, of course, and none divorced -- No wives unless
deceased.
National Catholic Reporter, September 3,
1999
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