Sic
Jingles for Jesus
deadline draws near or maybe not
Considering their dubious quality, its hard to imagine why
readers took so long to pen their Jingles for Jesus. Sic, in a rare move, has
been lax about deadlines. But we warn the tardy that our patience is running
out. (Lest we forget, this worthy venture was inspired by no less a papal
prospect than Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini, who suggested a little song and
dance might re-fill the steadily emptying churches.)
Fr. Thomas Durkin writes from Maui on a letterhead borrowed from
the Westin Hotel chain -- a relic from my stay at the Call to Action
conference in 97. His jingle goes to the tune of Do You Know
the Way to San Jose? Too bad he didnt send it. This has been that
kind of competition.
* * *
Walter the Penniless, as every historian knows, is famous for
helping to stir up the First Crusade. Back home in France, Walt was known by
his real name, Gautier sans Avoir. Its OK not to be amused by this.
* * *
James Cassidy, who naturally signs himself J.C. (well, it beats
Butch), decided only antiphons would do. He sent in five, each an
ecclesiastical land mine. For example:
Come and join the one true church. Just learn the
rules and end your search. Our leaders lack agility, But not
infallibility. In Lincoln just forget the attraction Of signing up with
Call to Action, Unless youre just anticipating The sternest
excommunicating To give the bishop satisfaction.
* * *
Sic, thinking politics might be a good career move, has hitched
(watch out, we are about to massacre a metaphor here) our wagon to the
coattails of George W. Bush. As loyal readers know, we flirted with
infallibility for a while, but infallibility -- even if it worked (and the
trouble is, one is never sure whether its working) -- seems no match for
those bags of Bush money.
Bernie Usera from Sturgis sent a clipping in which Bush said of
the rumors about his drug-taking (which, if it happened at all, was when he was
6 -- in short, a youthful indiscretion), Theyre ridiculous.
This Space stands by our man.
* * *
What amused Usera was the juxtaposition of the Bush story in
The Rapid City Journal with that of NCRs art search for a
contemporary Jesus, featuring his nibs on page 2, who was on the Today
Show (a mediocre performance, if you ask Sic) the same day as Bush.
The papers have been full of rumors that Boris Yeltsin stole
approximately half the wealth of Russia and moved it to Switzerland. Not true.
Boris gave the money to the Bush campaign because everyone knows any money not
in George Ws treasure chest by Election Day will no longer be legitimate
currency.
* * *
Jingle persons who are reading this stuff only to see if they won
the John Allen Memorial T-shirt may desist now -- the winner will not be
announced until next time, if even then -- its a Sic prerogative. And a
T-shirt with the pope on it deserves as much exposure as possible.
* * *
For those enthralled by the first Cassidy antiphon, heres
another:
Come and join the one true church. Just learn the
rules and end your search. Though things are bad right here at home,
The pointy hats are cocked in Rome. In Philly though theres church
expansion: Its mostly at the cardinals mansion. And
something made a prelate queasy With Dick McCormick in Big Easy. For
one could just as well be Trojan As a working theologian. You kneel
devoutly in your pew, But thought could be a horse on you.
* * *
Sics friend Amica passed on Things to Say if You Get
Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:
They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to.
Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably
got here just in time.
I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice
yoga?
Someone must have put decaf in the wrong coffee
pot.
In Jesus name, amen.
* * *
Fran Soule wrote from Santa Barbara, I couldnt resist
proving that I can write worse stuff than appeared in your Sept. 3
column:
Its really great to be a priest. Or so it
seems, to say the least. You never have to want for food Or shelter,
long as you be good. So guys, come swell the thinning ranks Of
clergymen (you gals: no, thanks!). Then youll go out to bring the dim
in, And fill the pews with those laywomen.
* * *
And finally (for now) an offering from Thich Nhat Cleary:
Where to worship? Who can guess? Marys
Catholic? Surely, yes! Josephs Quaker, lost in fog, Jesus
at the synagogue. How to choose without a fuss? Holy Family, pray for
us.
* * *
(Between ourselves, it must be extremely frustrating for the
average pope to know hes infallible and yet to have his supreme self
questioned by people who have the gall to call themselves the faithful, and
especially by liberals.)
National Catholic Reporter, September 24,
1999
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