Starting
Point Why
do I want to join this church?
By PATRICIA CAROL
I am 45 years old, have worked as a
religious professional for 22 years in the Unitarian Universalist Association,
and now I am about to join the Roman Catholic church. No thinking person
would do that, I am told. No thinking woman would do that. But here I am
-- an educated, powerful woman, who can do no other.
It is more than 13 years since my ordination as a minister. I have
preached, married, buried, counseled, celebrated, taught and confirmed. I have,
as a district middle judicatory executive, been charged with the well-being of
70 congregations, intervened in church conflicts, counseled seminarians and
clergy, quadrupled budgets and offered blessings. I saw it -- and still see it
-- as holy work, but not the work I am called to at this time.
My heart got stuck in the daily Mass, and I cannot leave. Some 15
months ago, I came through the doors of the Catholic church in spiritual
crisis. My marriage had ended. My complicated life of being married to another
minister had led to a train wreck of my personal, professional and faith life,
and I couldnt find God.
I felt the need to be with people praying but didnt want to
have to explain myself or my inevitable tears, so I went to a daily Mass. I
didnt know the first thing about a Mass. But that first day I knew I
needed to learn the words, the prayers, the saints. I knew I had to see Advent
and Lent, Christmas and Easter. I felt the need to see the years cycle
unfold. I feel that I am hearing the stories of Jesus as if for the first time,
though Ive heard them my whole life. I feel that I am not to set this
down for the security of my position, prestige or paycheck.
Why do I want to join this church? Because I have felt more prayed
for than at any time in my life. The prayers are for the injured, the
depressed, those with back pain, those addicted -- not me, and yet definitely
me. Me as connected to everyone.
Why do I want to join this church? Because the saints and the
examples of faithfulness are so real and compelling that they remind me to be
faithful. I find myself wondering, Who wrote that call to worship? Who
combined these words so gently and beautifully? Who wrote that song? Who put
these readings together for this day, just when I need them?
Why do I want to join this church? Because the people come every
day. Young and old, with babies and walkers, with business suits and rumpled
T-shirts. They sing and say together, Lord, hear our prayer, and
move with focus to the Eucharist. I stay in my pew and feel the currents of the
air around me, created by the movement of their bodies, perhaps by the movement
of the spirit.
Why do I want to join this church? Because in days of silent
retreat I have felt more safe and held than ever in my life. Because I cannot
pretend this did not happen and walk away.
I have just completed four months notice of my departure
from the Unitarian Universalist ministry, and have fully entered a transition
that feels like moving toward God. Even in the face of the sadness of leaving
home, I feel pulled to the space, the geography of the Roman Catholic
church.
Why do I want to join this church that no thinking
person would join? It is true that I see contradictions and flaws. I do
not understand why people are silenced for reaching out a hand of love. I
believe Jesus also reached out with a radical love, and the dissonance created
by such silencing is deafening.
I regret that women are not able to serve the church as priests. I
wish I could simply transfer my ministerial credentials and preach. I suspect I
would have some things to say.
But I have come to realize that waiting for a church without
contradictions, a church of perfect justice and consistency, might keep me from
the most important thing. The most important thing is to follow the call of
Jesus, the call of God. I want to join this church that has brought me so close
to that love, to the vision of justice and to a deep personal peace and
joy.
Might I be wrong? Yes, of course. But then I will listen again,
and try to sense the most important thing.
Patricia Carol, a church organization and conflict consultant,
made her profession of faith in the Roman Catholic church Sept. 11.
National Catholic Reporter, November 12,
1999
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