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Spirituality A spiritual self-portrait
By DAVID SCHIMMEL
Ill start this reflection with
a quick self-portrait.
As I looked in the mirror recently, I noticed that my eyebrows are
turning white. I never gave much thought to the gray gradually taking over my
beard and full head of hair, but the pure white strands above my eyes serve as
quiet sentinels of the aging process.
Doctors are less subtle. The podiatrist tells me that I have
arthritis in my toes, which will only get worse, and my primary
care physician explains that my occasional chest discomfort is a thickening of
scar tissue from the open heart surgery I underwent at age 13.
Im now a middle-aged man of 48 years, but I do not feel old.
In fact, I am grateful for this time in my life when I feel more consciously
alive than I can ever recall. Yet, this awareness also includes the reality and
gradually louder reminders of limitation and physical death.
Several years ago, I formally moved out of a commitment of 25
years in vows with a religious congregation, and 14 years as an active,
ordained priest. The five-year process of discernment that preceded this
decision was an excruciating, exhausting experience of kicking and screaming.
Of course, few people witnessed it because, as an introvert off the
scale, I felt that my therapist-spiritual director and God were already
too large an audience.
Obsessed with what people would think of me, I finally and
ungracefully grew to accept the wisdom, passed along by a friend, that
what people think about me is none of my business.
I live alone but share a wondrously loving relationship with a
man.
Following my call to nurture my Christian spirituality, but
outside the structure of religious life and priesthood, I am self-employed as a
spiritual director, retreat director, workshop leader and group facilitator. I
bring good listening skills and perceptiveness to my direction and
facilitation, and theological training along with musical and artistic talent
to my presentations. While Im not expecting this work to make me wealthy,
I do look forward to a cash flow that alleviates fears of insufficient funds
for my hefty health and car insurance premiums, and the next quarterly tax
payment.
In my work, there always seems to be something more to do, and I
have within me the essential ingredients for perfectionism. I consciously take
time, however, to prepare and enjoy balanced meals, to take a brisk walk
regularly and to pray daily. A monthly flow of people coming to my apartment
for spiritual direction helps me to stay on top of the housework; birthday and
anniversary celebrations give me an excuse to bake bread, cook a roast and make
a pie.
This, in short, is who I am.
* * *
In the foregoing, I tried an old confessional trick: Take the most
dramatic thing you have to say, express it in the least incriminating manner
and stick it in the middle of a number of less serious sins. What youre
hoping is that the confessors attention will wander with the prelude of
lesser faults or that he will refocus on the postlude of misdemeanors.
Ive tried it often. It never worked.
In like manner, in the paragraphs above I snuck in the fact that
Im gay. I certainly dont consider that a sin, but otherwise the
parallel holds up. In todays homophobic culture, both in society and in
the church, the words I share a loving relationship with a man
probably make all the other aspects of who I am seem irrelevant. No matter what
other qualities I possess, I will be viewed primarily as a gay
man.
Yet thats not how I see it. As is true for any heterosexual
person, my sexuality is important, but it is not my singular identifying
mark.
Still, in striking a balance between ignoring or magnifying my
homosexuality, I can make use of being gay as one way to develop an honest
relationship with God. I willingly take my cue from the Song of
Songs, which celebrates erotic love as a revelation, however fleeting, of
the divine. In one possible translation of its conclusion, the book identifies
the intense passion of love as flashes of fire, flames of God
(Songs 8:6).
Like the woman in the Song, who admiringly eyes every
inch of her lovers body, so I delight in gazing upon the man I love. His
muscular arms are strong enough to be tender with me, as well as with his
nieces and nephews who adore him. He reminds me of Isaiahs description of
a strong and tender God: Here comes with power the Lord God, who rules by
his strong arm.
Like a shepherd he feeds his flock; in his arms he
gathers the lambs, carrying them in his bosom. (Isaiah 40:10-11).
This God is at work in the world in the person of Jesus, who is
strong enough to lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13). Jesus asks me
to do the same by collaborating with him. He expects excellence, and I work
hard to contribute my best to the fulfillment of his plans. Yet as a friend he
also supports me tenderly, listening to and helping me sort through my fears,
angers, prejudices and loves. The image of working side by side with Jesus
energizes me. I am proud to be associated with him, and he with me. We laugh
and cry and do good work together.
Like the woman in the Song, who fancies her lover to
be an apple tree and pictures herself sitting in his shadow, so I enjoy lying
back in the arms of the man I love. In this position, he gazes upon me, but I
cannot see him; he embraces me, but I cannot embrace him. He strokes my hair,
and all I can do is rest passively. I imagine that the total trust of this
posture is the basis for Jesus dying sentiment, Father, into your
hands I commend my spirit (Luke 23:46).
I suspect it will take me a lifetime to trust Jesus so completely.
As a very young boy, I enjoyed going swimming, which meant a lot of
splashing close to the shoreline. Sensing my delight, my dad tried to teach me
how to float. Standing in waist-high water, he got me to lie back on the palm
of his hand, which was more than sufficient support for my small body. He got
me to relax as he suspended me at the waters surface, but every time he
lowered me slightly, I panicked, flailing legs and arms. I can still hear the
reassuring tone of his voice: Im not going to let you drown!
For a long time, however, my fear short-circuited my trust.
These days, Jesus has taken over for my dad. He continually
invites me to trust his loving support and reminds my fearful self that
theres more to life than hugging the shore.
Like the man in the Song, who lies between his
lovers breasts, I like to lie with my head on the chest of the man I
love. His heartbeat reminds me of how fragile life is. The thought that his
heart might stop beating scares me, because I would lose what is precious to
me. I imagine that the Beloved Disciple had similar feelings as he rested his
head on Jesus chest during their last supper together (John 13:23).
The fragility of life is a good reason to make the most of the
present moment. Doubt, hesitation and procrastination leave in their wake only
regrets. As a self-conscious teenager, I avoided dancing. At weddings, my
sister would beg me to dance with her. Although it looked like fun, and I
desperately wanted to try, I doubted my ability to overcome a perceived
awkwardness. My sisters begging was in vain.
Today, when I hesitate to try something new, Jesus asks me to
dance with him. In my imagination, I am sitting in a large ballroom. There is
no one else in the room except Jesus, who silently coaxes me by motioning with
his head toward the dance floor. Dancing with Jesus, I am discovering, frees my
potential and makes life more precious.
* * *
With these images, I sit down and pray each morning. I look
forward to this time, which lasts about an hour. When my schedule infrequently
forces me to skip my prayer time, I dont feel guilty, but I do approach
the next time of prayer with a bit more longing.
I begin with the sign of the cross and try to delight wordlessly
in Gods presence. Rarely does this last for more than a minute. Then, I
give thanks for the gift of the day to which I have awakened. I take this gift
as a sign that Jesus is interested in collaborating with me today.
I give thanks for the preceding day and review my actions and
motivations. Did I recognize every expression of Gods love for me, and
did I respond appropriately? Did I recognize and use my gifts wisely? I see
this review as training my spiritual consciousness for the day that awaits
me.
I ask God to bless the people in my life: family, friends, the man
I love, those for whom I promised to pray, the people I will see for spiritual
direction this day, those for whom Im preparing a retreat and people of
whom I am aware only through the media. I ask God to embrace them and help them
to experience divine love and protection.
Then its time to fuss. Am I managing my time well? Did I
spend enough time preparing for the day of reflection? Why is it taking so long
to write my monthly newsletter?
Remember, David, Jesus whispers in response,
were doing this together. As a criterion, time is not as important
as being open to my Spirit. Be gentle with yourself and allow me to share the
work.
What if my health insurance premium doubles again next year, as it
did this year? What will happen if I need a new car, which I cant afford?
If I get sick, I wont be able to support myself.
Im not going to let you drown, Jesus reassures
me.
Will a publisher be interested in my book proposal? Should I have
accepted that invitation to present eight evening sessions on the meaning and
application of the Book of Revelation? Will those retreatants be comfortable
expressing prayer with their bodies during the worship service?
Jesus wordlessly invites me to join him on the dance floor.
Renewed in my sense of collaboration, protection and adventure, I
lay out my plan for the day by reviewing appointments and the tasks I need to
accomplish. I do this light-heartedly, knowing my inability to estimate
timeframes and acknowledging that Jesus might have an alternate plan.
Throughout my time of prayer, the Spirit of Jesus has been
distracting me with insights and approaches for my work.
By the time the prayer is ending, I sometimes sense that Jesus has
once more fanned the flame of my faith in order that I might fan the flame of
faith within the people to whom I minister. On other occasions, I feel that my
prayer is an opportunity to share our relationship with others.
I conclude by offering myself gay and graying, introverted,
self-employed and one who fusses lovingly, graciously and generously to
God. I sense that Jesus likes the offering of my entire self, including the
white eyebrows.
A
selection of books on the spirituality of sexuality |
Ackerman, Diane, A Natural History of Love, Vintage
Books, 1995. Ackerman, Diane, A Natural History of the Senses,
Vintage Books, 1991. Harris, Maria, Dance of the Spirit: The Seven Steps
of Womens Spirituality, Bantam Books, 1991. Keen, Sam, Fire in
the Belly: On Being a Man, Bantam Doubleday, 1992. Keen, Sam, Hymns
to an Unknown God: Awakening the Spirit in Everyday Life, Bantam Doubleday,
1995. OMurchu, Diarmuid, Reclaiming Spirituality, Crossroad,
1997. Moore, Thomas. The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life As an Act of
Love, HarperCollins, 1998. Moore, Thomas, The Re-Enchantment of
Everyday Life, HarperCollins, 1997. Rohr, Richard and Martos, Joseph,
The Wild Mans Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality, St.
Anthony Messenger Press, 1996. Rohr, Richard, Gate of the Temple:
Spirituality and Sexuality (tape program), Credence Cassettes, 1994.
Timmerman, Joan, Sexuality and Spiritual Growth, Crossroad, 1992.
Tisdale, Sallie, Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex,
Doubleday, 1994. |
David Schimmel has a masters of divinity from Sacred
Heart School of Theology in Hales Corners, Wis., and an M.A. from Catholic
Theological Union in Chicago. From his Chicago home, he conducts a number of
activities related to spiritual growth and writes a monthly newsletter titled
Passion: Christian Spirituality from a Gay Perspective.
National Catholic Reporter, December 3,
1999
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