Spirituality On the march to a different model of
maleness
Dominican Br. Joseph Kilikevice is director of the Shem Center,
an interfaith retreat and spirituality center in Oak Park, Ill. He has taught
at the University of Creation Spirituality and led workshops and retreats on
the Aramaic words of Jesus and on sexuality for men and women. Rich Heffern,
the former editor of Praying magazine, recently sat down with Kilikevice
to talk about his retreats and mens spirituality.
You call your retreats on sexuality Healing the Wounds,
Celebrating the Gifts. That seems like an apt description of the task
when it comes to dealing with our sexuality. What are men who come to these
retreats looking for?
I think they are looking to do maleness in a different way.
Its not working for one reason or another. Robert Bly, grandfather of the
mens spirituality movement, said mens work begins with mens
grief and pain. A man who is feeling on top of the world will probably not come
to our retreat. The men who come are those whose lives are changing, sometimes
painfully or tragically. They have been diagnosed with life-threatening
illness, are in the midst of divorce or they lost their job after many years.
There is usually always some deep pain involved.
Or, they are simply realizing they have spent their lives working
and have not received much back themselves; theyve given themselves away
and havent taken care of themselves. They are living in quiet desperation
and show up to see if something else is possible. I think all men are wounded.
Some are willing to admit it; others are not. Many of us realize there is
another way to live, a way that is more satisfying in the end. First, we must
get past some fears. Prospective retreatants always ask me: What do you do
without women there? What can men have to do with one another besides watch a
football game or hover over a beer?
The retreats focus on sexuality. Why is that so
important?
In our society, sexuality is surrounded by a conspiracy of
silence, secrecy and shame. It has to sneak out too often in locker room jokes.
We kind of tiptoe around it, yet it is ever present. We are continually
confronted, for example, in the advertising world by sexual imagery that is
titillating and seductive, getting us to buy products from chewing gum to snow
tires, using images that border on pornography. The advertisers know very well
our attraction to those images. Sexuality is a central theme in mens
workshops because, for men especially in our society, a healthy welcoming of
sexuality is not something we see often.
Although it is a part of almost everyones experience,
its never discussed in any kind of honest way, is it?
Too often sexuality is trivialized, sensationalized or we are just
manipulated through its use. There isnt a lot of guidance from the church
either. I feel that our sexuality is in exile. For us to be healthy and express
sexuality in healthy ways as men, it needs to be welcomed home out of exile and
allowed to take its place among all the other things we have as men. It needs
to be neither more important nor less important than everything else we
are.
Brian Swimme wrote: Sexuality is the way the universe
teaches its central mysteries.
He emphasizes the cosmic connection. Sexuality is simply one of
the key ways the universe works through us. That is a very healing way to think
of it. This incredible generativity of the original flaring forth, the
fireball, the Big Bang, is really divine fire. Out of the divine imagination
comes all this life. We are part of this generosity of life. We are the
fireball being expressed in this human form. We were there in the beginning
with all the elemental particles that make up creation. We, as men, come from
that fire that finally condensed into the cosmic dance and into starry nights
and into this incredibly amazing planet we live on with its rich diversity.
Our sexuality takes its place in all this. Again, as Brian Swimme
points out, the primary energy of the universe is attraction or allurement.
Scientists call it gravity. You can call it love. Whatever it is that pulls you
toward something, that attracts you, is an expression of and participation in
the basic energy of the universe. Its what keeps the universe in motion.
Love moves the sun and stars, as Dante said.
Sexuality is not this puny little secret thing we just snicker
about like adolescents; its as big as the changing seasons and the
ongoing unfolding into greater beauty and complexity. Sexuality is often
connected with addiction like alcohol. And like the craving for alcohol, the
addiction to sex is linked to the hunger for numinous experience. We learn at
the retreats: Dont mistake the whole pie for one slice. How does this
small part fit into the whole picture? Addiction, whether its to alcohol,
sex, or religiosity, is mistaking one piece for the whole.
Where are the good images of nurturing, generative
males?
Part of what makes this work so wonderful and difficult is that
there are too few of those images out there. We are about creating them. I
always talk about this male spirit work having three levels. The first level is
that of ancestry. We do indeed have men in our lives who have taught us
something about what it was to be a man. They may not be perfect but, through
them, we have some idea of what honorable maleness looks like. One of the
rituals we do on the retreats is to honor those males in our lives.
Good ritual can take you to a place deeper than words. We use
ritual and prayer from many traditions. In this case, from the Native American
tradition that honors and welcomes the spirits of our male ancestors. We call
upon those spirits living or dead. They may be blood ancestors, grandfathers,
great-grandfathers, but also they are the teachers, the clergymen, the coaches,
the therapists, the authors and poets and composers we encountered in our
lives. All of these men somehow taught us something about maleness. Piece by
piece we put it together for ourselves. Men call out the names, and the room is
suddenly very crowded. Its not just us there. We surround our circle with
the honorable maleness that has come before us. We are not starting from
scratch. We do belong to a lineage.
The second level of male spirit is the circle of men who have come
together in these retreats. We are peers. Nobody has it all figured out. The
directors arent any smarter than anybody else. We are all searching, and
by honoring one another, by recognizing that the spirit of God speaks to all of
us, that there is wisdom that comes out of pain, we learn to do maleness
differently.
The third level of maleness is to pass on an image of honorable
maleness to the next generation of men coming up, to our sons or to the sons of
other males. I frequently give a little homework assignment on a retreat or
evening. Go and find a younger male, whether your son or another son without a
father, and find a way to admire him, to encourage him, to validate him, to
bless him. It is the only way we can change how men treat other men, how
maleness is done. Whether it is a baseball game or just sitting somebody down
and saying you are really good at what you do, this needs to be done. Otherwise
these young men continue to feel abandoned and left out there without the love
and affection of other men, which we all desperately need.
Many of us have been reared by women, with strong mothers in the
home, absent fathers who work themselves into an early grave. Bly talks about
the industrial revolution changing how men work together and live together. We
no longer go out into the fields to plant crops with our fathers, or out to the
barn. Many of us never knew where our fathers worked or never saw their
workplace. We are strongly influenced by women. There are few male teachers in
grade school. Those are very formative years.
There is, of course, nothing wrong with being reared by women, but
its out of balance. A woman cannot provide a man with what is needed for
the deep masculine journey, any more than a man can provide it for a woman.
Its the way God made the world. We certainly need women. Many men will
say that all their emotional support and their entire emotional lives are tied
up with women. Men recognize this out-of-balance state.
Experiences of intimacy between men are so rare that when it
happens it brings tears to our eyes.
My definition of intimacy is telling the truth, no bull. Its
talking about how you are really feeling.
We never start a retreat without what I call the Circle of
Respect. Its a little ritual I created a number of years ago and use all
the time, no matter how large or small the gathering. People stand in a circle
holding hands, and together we feel the connection with the whole universe. We
are conscious, self-reflective beings of the universe. We belong here; we are
not mistakes. We are products of 15 billion years of evolution. We feel the
connection with the earth underneath us. This is our home planet. We have a
right to take our place with -- not over -- all other beings and with one
another. And we have a right to be loved, cherished and respected here. I tell
the gathered to look around and see how much God loves diversity. Every
snowflake is different. Every person is different. Why are we so uncomfortable
when we are not with people who are our own kind? The most observable fact
about the world -- and the one we have the most trouble getting -- is its
respect for and love of diversity.
When safety is established, we know we will be respected here. No
one will hurt us here. We all assent to it. Theres laughter, tears, joy
and anger. Wonderful things that have been stuffed for years can come out. And
it does. Men are extraordinarily kind, nurturing, affectionate, zany and
creative with one another when they know they are not being gawked at,
evaluated, judged or in competition with one another.
Very soon the truly deep nature of men really starts to come out.
It gives you a lot of confidence when you see how we really are, when we
witness the honorable maleness that lives within each one of us. All we have to
do is give ourselves the opportunity to allow it to be expressed. We know deep
in our souls what to do; we dont need experts to tell us. It doesnt
take much to get some wonderful energy going in men. We are always living out
of someone elses image of us, and we forget we are filled with wonderful
creativity all the time.
One of my spiritual practices is to turn off my TV set. I got so
weary of the pornographic preoccupation with Monica and Bill. They were sex
addicted, and so were we. It showed how sick we are as a society, without a
healthy sense of sexuality. Not only did leadership at the highest level act
out of an inadequate, exiled sexuality, but the whole country jumped into it
one way or the other. We couldnt let go of it. I consciously tried to
divert myself with poetry and Mozarts music and cultivating my
friendships instead. Its amazing how much time we have when we let loose
of these addictions. Healthy linking of sexuality with spirituality presents us
with rich images to live out of.
The next step in linking spirituality with sexuality is healing
between men and women. We need to stop shaming and blaming one another.
Its not the other gender that is doing it to us; its this system we
have bought into. Something new can happen. We need a conspiracy of respect
between women and men. We need more wonderful, healing rituals. It is not just
about controversial issues that need discussing between feminists and
patriarchy. But men and women need experiences of coming together and feeling
good together. We need to be respectful of each other. We have a ritual in our
men/women retreats, where men tell the women what we really like about them
because they are women. And women do the same thing for the men. The place is
always in tears. Men say, I didnt know you felt that way about
us. Usually we are too busy fighting with each other or preying on each
other.
Finally, I think we all, men and women together, need a
relationship with the green world in order for spirituality to happen. We need
to see the stars at night on a regular basis, to breathe fresh air, to eat
homegrown vegetables. Then our sexuality can take its rightful place amidst the
splendor and wonder of the universe.
National Catholic Reporter, December 3,
1999
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