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Sic ponders Noah’s ark, evolution and Mars

The reader should be aware that the very act of reading this page makes one a dubious candidate for the papacy. Sic’s advice: Close the paper, back away, don’t look anyone in the eye and whistle Adeste Fideles as you exit in search of a confession box with that little red light lit above the door.

* * *

It’s common knowledge that Sic’s neighbor, Luigi, is in reality an alien from a far-out galaxy, which, he says, has some obscure Greek name. Luigi passes admirably for a human, but on closer inspection one detects his ear is replaced by a faucet that, between us, sometimes drips in spite of the rusty washer. This proves that, creation spirituality notwithstanding, life in the cosmos is drippy and rusty.

So, when that spacecraft recently refused to land on Mars, Sic knew Luigi would be dropping by. He knows when it comes to outer space, he’s the only game in town and earthlings want to buy him beer to show they’re not prejudiced. More later.

* * *

Mergers are the nation’s business. When Denison Mines and Alliance & Metal Mines merged, the new company became Mine All Mine.

But that’s nothing. When Federal Express and UPS merged, they became Fed Up.

* * *

Marjorie Roy from Topeka sent this logical observation: If con is the opposite of pro, the opposite of progress is Congress.

* * *

Jim Horton from out west writes: “A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’ ”

Sic would never be caught reading such stuff if we did not have to do so for a living.

Horton, unrepentant, then mentions the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal activity ’cause he wanted to transcend dental medication.

* * *

“If humans evolved from monkeys and apes,” opines Sic’s friend the philosopher, “why do we still have monkeys and apes?” Sic doesn’t know.

* * *

“Mars is no big deal.” Luigi, having downed our last bottle of beer, was feeling no pain. “It’s just like Minnesota in the winter. Cold.”

“Sure!” Sic says.

“People are much the same everywhere,” Luigi’s words are now a bit slurred. “All they want is a few beers and to watch TV. Why should it be different on Mars?”

* * *

Headline in Sept. 16 issue of The Florida Catholic: “Catholics prepare for Hurricane Floyd.”

And a headline from the Philippines: “Teething Infant Jesus statue draws crowds.”

* * *

Some of Fr. Joe Gallagher’s peregrinations among his forebears:

“The smell of the River Liffey is one of the sights of Dublin.”

“The tea was so weak it’s a wonder anyone could lift it up high enough to slip a cup under it.” (Sic has tried to envisage this, in vain.)

“That was a good meal, what there was of it; I mean, there was plenty of it, such as it was.”

“Do you believe in leprechauns?” “Of course not -- but they’re there.”

“The Irish are a fair race. They never speak well of each other.” (Samuel Johnson)

“An Irish male proposing: ‘Would you like to be buried with my family?’ ”

* * *

Cara Spees sent these:

“I can please only one person per day, and today is not your day.”

“I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.”

“Some days you’re the pigeon, and some days the statue.”

“Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.”

“I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.”

* * *

This Space believes these lines of Nathan Cervo from Peterborough will not get the attention they deserve. We had the same problem here as with Joe Gallagher’s weak tea above, but we just sniff significance in there somewhere.

Perennial, St. Peter’s boat
See, Sic, see on the neap tide float,
Pig paired to pig, and goat to goat,
Aflame they whom the searchlight smote.
Pale Noah peering from the ark
Was ordered to prepare his barque
For boarding by a ’coptered narc.
The crate found clean of contraband,
Said the narc, “I don’t understand.
What are you doing out after dark?”
Aggiornamento well in hand,
Arch Noah winked, his eye a spark.
“I’m looking for a place to park,
Infallible both stern and aft.”
(A goat, at this, leapt from the craft.)

* * *

The Sic household, for no good reason, has begun to receive CSA News from the Creation Science Association. Since evolution took a hit in Kansas, scientists are fighting back. How, asks one, could Noah get 30 million species into a boat 450 feet by 75 wide by 45 high and feed them for 371 days and clean up after them? Just for starters -- never mind that you must tranquilize the lion to lie down with the lamb, and that you need, at the very least, a sink hole for crocodiles, not to mention trees for monkeys to swing in (or, in other words, is a monkey still a real monkey if he doesn’t swing from trees and stuff for 371 days on end, or is he already evolving into something vaguely like a human?)

But the CSA has it under control. “Only mammals, reptiles and birds were on the ark,” Tom Willis writes. But he doesn’t say how he knows this. “Estimates vary but always range from 6,000 to less than 20,000 sheep-sized (average) animals, in a vessel capable of holding 125,000.” Whose estimates vary? Sic thinks guys like Willis quote their own previous articles and soon have a body of work to quote from, to wit, their own. Of course the pope quotes himself a lot, too. Sic would do it, too, if only we could keep track of what we said the last time.

* * *

Sic’s friend Amica sent in 10 reasons Eve was created, but five will do:

5. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

4. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when the old one wore out.

3. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s or barber’s appointment by himself.

2. Because the Bible says it’s not good for man to be alone.

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that.”

* * *

One problem with Noah’s ark scholarship is that all you ever see are elephants, giraffes and a few ducks marching up the gangplank in a totally unnatural orderly way. You never see, for example, a yak, probably because the creation people don’t know how to draw a yak -- but let’s leave yaks to the yak lobby.

Sic submits that if you look closely you should see several pairs of termites, male and female as God created them, marching up that plank. And no one has ever found the ark because, naturally, the termites ate it.

National Catholic Reporter, January 7, 2000