Sic
Sic ponders
Noahs ark, evolution and Mars
The reader should be aware that the very act of reading this page
makes one a dubious candidate for the papacy. Sics advice: Close the
paper, back away, dont look anyone in the eye and whistle Adeste
Fideles as you exit in search of a confession box with that little red
light lit above the door.
* * *
Its common knowledge that Sics neighbor, Luigi, is in
reality an alien from a far-out galaxy, which, he says, has some obscure Greek
name. Luigi passes admirably for a human, but on closer inspection one detects
his ear is replaced by a faucet that, between us, sometimes drips in spite of
the rusty washer. This proves that, creation spirituality notwithstanding, life
in the cosmos is drippy and rusty.
So, when that spacecraft recently refused to land on Mars, Sic
knew Luigi would be dropping by. He knows when it comes to outer space,
hes the only game in town and earthlings want to buy him beer to show
theyre not prejudiced. More later.
* * *
Mergers are the nations business. When Denison Mines and
Alliance & Metal Mines merged, the new company became Mine All Mine.
But thats nothing. When Federal Express and UPS merged, they
became Fed Up.
* * *
Marjorie Roy from Topeka sent this logical observation: If con is
the opposite of pro, the opposite of progress is Congress.
* * *
Jim Horton from out west writes: A three-legged dog walks
into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces,
Im looking for the man who shot my paw.
Sic would never be caught reading such stuff if we did not have to
do so for a living.
Horton, unrepentant, then mentions the Buddhist who refused his
dentists Novocain during root canal activity cause he wanted to
transcend dental medication.
* * *
If humans evolved from monkeys and apes, opines
Sics friend the philosopher, why do we still have monkeys and
apes? Sic doesnt know.
* * *
Mars is no big deal. Luigi, having downed our last
bottle of beer, was feeling no pain. Its just like Minnesota in the
winter. Cold.
Sure! Sic says.
People are much the same everywhere, Luigis
words are now a bit slurred. All they want is a few beers and to watch
TV. Why should it be different on Mars?
* * *
Headline in Sept. 16 issue of The Florida Catholic:
Catholics prepare for Hurricane Floyd.
And a headline from the Philippines: Teething Infant Jesus
statue draws crowds.
* * *
Some of Fr. Joe Gallaghers peregrinations among his
forebears:
The smell of the River Liffey is one of the sights of
Dublin.
The tea was so weak its a wonder anyone could lift it
up high enough to slip a cup under it. (Sic has tried to envisage this,
in vain.)
That was a good meal, what there was of it; I mean, there
was plenty of it, such as it was.
Do you believe in leprechauns? Of course not --
but theyre there.
The Irish are a fair race. They never speak well of each
other. (Samuel Johnson)
An Irish male proposing: Would you like to be buried
with my family?
* * *
Cara Spees sent these:
I can please only one person per day, and today is not your
day.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.
Some days youre the pigeon, and some days the
statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he
isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont be
needing him again.
I dont suffer from stress. Im a
carrier.
* * *
This Space believes these lines of Nathan Cervo from Peterborough
will not get the attention they deserve. We had the same problem here as with
Joe Gallaghers weak tea above, but we just sniff significance in there
somewhere.
Perennial, St. Peters boat See, Sic, see on the
neap tide float, Pig paired to pig, and goat to goat, Aflame they whom
the searchlight smote. Pale Noah peering from the ark Was ordered to
prepare his barque For boarding by a coptered narc. The crate
found clean of contraband, Said the narc, I dont
understand. What are you doing out after dark? Aggiornamento well
in hand, Arch Noah winked, his eye a spark. Im looking for
a place to park, Infallible both stern and aft. (A goat, at this,
leapt from the craft.)
* * *
The Sic household, for no good reason, has begun to receive CSA
News from the Creation Science Association. Since evolution took a hit in
Kansas, scientists are fighting back. How, asks one, could Noah get 30 million
species into a boat 450 feet by 75 wide by 45 high and feed them for 371 days
and clean up after them? Just for starters -- never mind that you must
tranquilize the lion to lie down with the lamb, and that you need, at the very
least, a sink hole for crocodiles, not to mention trees for monkeys to swing in
(or, in other words, is a monkey still a real monkey if he doesnt swing
from trees and stuff for 371 days on end, or is he already evolving into
something vaguely like a human?)
But the CSA has it under control. Only mammals, reptiles and
birds were on the ark, Tom Willis writes. But he doesnt say how he
knows this. Estimates vary but always range from 6,000 to less than
20,000 sheep-sized (average) animals, in a vessel capable of holding
125,000. Whose estimates vary? Sic thinks guys like Willis quote their
own previous articles and soon have a body of work to quote from, to wit, their
own. Of course the pope quotes himself a lot, too. Sic would do it, too, if
only we could keep track of what we said the last time.
* * *
Sics friend Amica sent in 10 reasons Eve was created, but
five will do:
5. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the
garden because he would not ask for directions.
4. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf
when the old one wore out.
3. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctors or
barbers appointment by himself.
2. Because the Bible says its not good for man to be
alone.
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back,
scratched his head and said, I can do better than that.
* * *
One problem with Noahs ark scholarship is that all you ever
see are elephants, giraffes and a few ducks marching up the gangplank in a
totally unnatural orderly way. You never see, for example, a yak, probably
because the creation people dont know how to draw a yak -- but lets
leave yaks to the yak lobby.
Sic submits that if you look closely you should see several pairs
of termites, male and female as God created them, marching up that plank. And
no one has ever found the ark because, naturally, the termites ate it.
National Catholic Reporter, January 7,
2000
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