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Column Aching to share, like the disciples
By JEANNETTE BATZ
Candles lined the aisle of the
church, tied with red-ribboned greenery, and the altar was a mass of
poinsettias. Above us, from the choir loft, came the soft circling chords of
Bachs Jesu, Joy of Mans Desiring. In the pew I waited,
nervous as a teenage girl hoping her date shows up.
Our parents were coming to our church for Christmas Eve. At least,
theyd said they might. Why that made me so happy, I dont know.
Weve both long accepted their antipathy to organized religion and, given
the sort of organized religion that conditioned them, we understand it
perfectly. Were not -- I hope -- people who think everyone has to believe
a certain way to be good or saved or happy. Yet when they hinted they might
join us, I felt my heart lift.
I even confided the possibility to Margie, who was ushering, and
she lit up, too, said she hoped theyd make it, the church had never
looked prettier. Then Andrew left to fulfill liturgical duties, and I sat alone
in our usual pew, scooted way to the middle to leave room, and trying not to
turn around every time I heard a flurry of whispered hellos. Only when the
processional hymn began did I allow myself to crook my neck, checking the back
of the church for late arrivals.
They werent there.
Absurdly disappointed, I flipped to the hymn in time to add my
off-key, distracted voice to the last verse. Then I started wondering why I
cared so much. Wed seen them that afternoon, wed see them tomorrow;
they were probably tired. It would have been miserable anyway, I consoled
myself; Id have stewed through the readings, worrying that they were
bored, and listened to the sermon on tenterhooks, hoping no red flags would be
inadvertently raised.
Why did I want that anyway? Bossiness? An evangelical streak
Id never acknowledged? Buried insecurity, needing the validation of
others to confirm that what I loved was indeed worthy? Plain green envy, after
watching the sweet, perfect young couple in the second row hug their parents,
who joined them at St. Marks every holiday?
Unwilling to think myself so petty, I shifted to a more flattering
train of thought: Maybe this was how the disciples had felt, when they set out
to spread the news of Jesus miraculous love. Maybe, instead of the
self-righteous evangelism so common today, theyd simply burned with the
desire to share their joy.
The first chord of Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
interrupted the possibility, blaring loud and slightly off, and bringing me
sudden relief. Id used music to entice our parents; thank God they
werent here, the voices were thin at this 5 p.m. service. Besides, there
was perhaps a little too much of the ribboned greenery. My tasteful mother
would have thought it overdone and gaudy.
Was that my real motive? Make them the audience for our
performance, show them how wonderfully orchestrated our liturgies are, make
them jealous of the religion they spurn? Sadly, it rang a lot truer than my
disciples scenario.
But why did I still need them to appreciate this particular aspect
of our lives, when I felt no need whatsoever to show them how smart and
talented our friends are, how efficient we are at work, how great the movie was
that we saw last night?
Because if they did appreciate it, came the answer, theyd
feel what we felt, and we could all feel it together. Five people who love each
other, locked together in a common recognition of beauty and profound truth.
I once dated a guy because he came up to the table where I was
studying, smiled, and said, I saw you at Mass this morning, looking
gently quizzical, as though we just might share a secret. Hed even raised
his inflection slightly at the end, to make it a larger question. Id
thought immediately of my then-favorite poem, The Portrait by
Robert Graves, in which the woman asks, And you, my love? As unlike other
men as I those other women?
Romantic, yes; nobodys ever at a weekday Mass for quite the
same reasons. But I feel something of the same stirring just watching people
line up for Communion, their hands folded, eyes reverent, all believing and
wanting the same experience. Its there again in the rumble of
simultaneous response, And also with you, Amen.
Faith binds the faithful to each other; we do indeed become parts
of a single body. There is no need to add that dimension to the immense,
wholehearted love we already feel for our parents; we came from their bodies,
for heavens sake, and what greater intimacy could there be, than the
unconditional love between a good parent and a grateful child? I certainly feel
no need for them to trot into church every week with us, sit-stand-kneel and
fill the collection basket.
But at Christmas and Easter, when all the lesser lessons culminate
in a burst of significance, and all the various parts of worship gather into a
glorious liturgical fireworks, I ache to share the beauty, not only with my
husband and our fellow churchgoers, but with everyone I love.
Its a dangerous impulse; it puts your heart way out on a
limb, and it requires a big compensating dose of tolerance and respect when
people you love dont want to share that feeling.
Maybe thats not so different from what the disciples felt,
after all.
Jeannette Batz is a staff writer for The Riverfront
Times, an alternative weekly newspaper in St. Louis.
National Catholic Reporter, January 14,
2000
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