Sic
Mediocrity hits a
home run
So that we all understand each other: Sic is nothing more than a
toiler toiling in the journalistic vineyard who tries to scrape the blue mold
from the Zeitgeist and keep people who want to jump off a cliff from doing
anything more drastic than a good cry.
(And who happens to be infallible.)
* * *
James Somerville of Pfafftown shudders at the political
prospects:
If its four-letter words you deplore, Can you
sit there and blithely ignore The need to be hesitant In a vote for a
president When the choice is a Bush or a Gore?
* * *
George W. Bush has given the term empty suit new stature. Sure,
W. is an empty suit, but if you ask Sic, hes a minor empty suit compared
to some ESs we all know.
The Bush candidacy raises all kinds of issues. How does one become
an empty suit? Does one start as a full suit and work down? And if so, what
empties first? Do the sleeves, for example, start flapping? Or, on the other
hand, is an ES born that way? And if you are born that way, is it
obvious from the first time you put on a suit that its empty?
Someone should write a dissertation: The Empty Suit: Nature or
Nurture?
* * *
Dont feel bad. Sic realizes that, from now to November,
every time you see Bush on television, youll think Empty Suit. But
its nobodys fault.
* * *
John K. Skelly of Canyon Country said the following is from a
Merchant Marine Veterans newsletter:
Old folks are worth a fortune: silver in their hair, gold in their
teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their
stomachs.
Some might call me a frivolous old gal. Im seeing five
gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I
go to see John. Then Charley Horse comes along and demands a lot of attention.
Next, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day (he doesnt like
to stay long in one place, so he takes me from joint to joint). After such a
busy day, Im glad to go to bed - with Ben Gay.
The preacher said I should be thinking about the hereafter. I do,
all the time. No matter where I go, to the kitchen, upstairs, the basement, I
ask myself: Now what am I here after?
* * *
Last time, we announced that readers tired of calling us Sic may
instead call us John Paul III. This was a mistake. We would prefer to be called
John Paul VIII in memory of Henry VIII, the wife guy, or of Alexander the Great
or Attila the Hun or whatever.
* * *
As already announced here on the Straight Talk Express, Sic is
striving fiercely to be a moderate, like Jesus. So were working on a
book, Right Down the Middle: Kicking Mediocre Butt for the Kingdom.
There will be chapters on moderates Peter and Paul, James and his brother John,
Philip and Bartholomew, skipping Judas the hothead, probably a liberal, moving
on to moderates Dorothy Day, Gandhi, Oscar Romero. And Luther, just to keep the
ecumenical thing going.
* * *
Bill Murray wrote in from Taos to Big Daddy (Inside NCR), who had
expressed an unexpected burst of optimism in the March 3 issue. Murray brought
W.B. Yeats to bear: Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy which
sustained him through temporary periods of joy.
* * *
Some say this empty suit thing is not natural. Or that it is an
objective disorder. This raises the question of whether detox or counseling or
confession or a good meal would help most. Experts are divided on this.
Its common knowledge that, if GW is elected president, there will be vast
sums of money for ES research. But this, too, raises conundrums. If a cure were
found, and if GW were to recover, so to speak, would he still be president?
After all, we the citizens would have elected an empty suit.
* * *
Two contestants thought (wrongly) that our contest (now defunct)
was all about the pope at the window ignoring bombs bursting in air. Charlotte
Arendt wrote from Neenah:
as fireworks burst all around, His Holiness
heard not a sound
And Monica Owens of Ashland actually gets inside the papal
head:
I concentrate on my ex-cathedra text, The populace
thirsty for what Ill say next, The populace, worldly and
oversexed.
(Note the subtle repetition of the word populace. This probably
means nothing, only that Owens needed a word. She goes on:)
I take most seriously my pre-ordained role, I know
exactly whats good for the soul. Get rid of the fireworks -
theyre out of control.
* * *
These are actual personals from Israeli newspapers, according to
Chicagos Head Rabbi Tim Unsworth:
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light
Shabbat candles, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion
not important.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha
Bav, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah Teves, Shiva Asar,
BTammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the fast lane.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, patos. Seeks same in
woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? Im an orphan. Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No
personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of
dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
* * *
What follows is nothing so frivolous as a competition. Its
research. High or low though your regard for W. may be, we know you know
emptier suits than his (or than he?).
The project is to list your Top Ten Empty Suits. (For those with a
penchant for the obvious were excluding the pope, who doesnt wear a
suit; and we also exclude Cardinal Ratzinger (calm down) of whom John Paul VIII
- thats us - feels especially protective this balmy spring day.)
If you can only think of three or four, remember, three totally
inane suits are better than a score of merely loose-fitting or ill-fitting
whatnots. Were after what the Greeks called pleroma, the ultimate
pit of emptiness, or what NASA and people from outer space call a Black
Hole.
We plan to call this the Big Sic Shameless Empty Suit Survey.
National Catholic Reporter, March 31,
2000
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