Sic
Flirting with a
continuum and other balderdash
Sic has been flirting with the space-time continuum, a shifty
concept invented by Parmenides or some other Greek guy, to the effect that if
you step in the same river twice youll wet both feet. We begin with this
remark because people read cautiously the first sentence of whatever
theyre contemplating reading, to test the waters, and we want them to see
that if they stick with Sic there will be no frivolity.
* * *
After 20 years of tedious restoration, Michelangelos
Last Supper is back on display in Milan, according to comedian Bob
Mills. Experts were amazed to find, when the soot was stripped away, a sign on
the wall behind Jesus, No Shirt, No Shoes, No Salvation.
* * *
Speaking of brains, this from pundit Argus Hamilton: George
W. Bush spoke to Catholics in Ohio and compared himself to John F. Kennedy. He
cant name foreign leaders and he compares himself to JFK -- no wonder
President Bush always said that Dan Quayle was like a son to him.
* * *
It seems The Washington Post recently challenged readers to
improve on the meanings of well-known words. Some examples:
Abdicate -- to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash -- a rapidly receding hairline.
Bustard -- a very rude school bus driver.
Coffee -- a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted -- appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
Semantics -- pranks conducted by young men studying for the
priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priests
prayer book together just before Vespers.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor.
* * *
Mary Ann Herman of El Paso writes to you-know-who on page 2:
Is it official that youll rename Sic to Straight Talk
Express? As if Page 2 had anything to say about it. This Space is a big
tent, sort of like the Republican Party when they try to include Pat Robertson
and Jerry Falwell, so Sic and Straight Talk are learning to live together.
* * *
Herman goes on: When theres a power outage at night
most people grab the nearest flashlight or light a candle, reason being, of
course, to continue reading NCR.
Sic is gratified by this. We have often wondered where and under
what circumstances people read our favorite paper -- e.g. at the breakfast
table, while driving, at the movies -- but have been afraid to ask.
* * *
No matter how This Space tries to spread the conversation around,
readers seem unable to refrain from expressing their esteem for Cardinal
Ratzinger. A good example is John N. Pfeffers Ode to Joe #2.
Sic may have said this before: Pfeffer can write bad verse better than anyone
alive.
I love being a cardinal dressed in red and black,
I remind them all therell be no talking back.
Just sign here, I said to one venerable bishop,
If I can get enough of you guys
To buy these truths in disguise,
Ill go home to see what else I can dish up.
* * *
Jay Banta submitted a picture of Buttons OConnor for Pet of
the Millennium. The photo, if you ask Sic, has been severely doctored, with odd
folderals in the background, but its meant to cheer up her mother Sherri.
Some will say we did Pet of the Millennium just weeks ago, but for the record
some millenniums are shorter than others.
* * *
Tabloid heading from the Weekly World News: Noah
Kicked Some Animals Off the Ark. This, not surprisingly, made them
extinct. Among the alleged victims: a beast resembling a hairy turtle without a
shell, expelled for wetting Mrs. Noahs carpet.
But thats nothing. The same paper, presumably on a different
week (to stay free from sin, Sic doesnt read those ourself), led with
New Antichrist Detector Can Detect The Beast Up to 500 Yards
Away.
* * *
Its no secret that the Straight Talk Express is backing
George W. Bush for president on the reasonable assumption that an empty suit
can do less damage in Washington than a full suit. In an effort to stir up
dialogue, we asked readers to list their Top Ten Empty Suits (NCR, March
31). Two weeks have passed, and only one such list has arrived. This shows how
democracy is in the doldrums. There is, though, time for redemption -- and if
you dont know 10, a few will do.
* * *
Sic, furthermore, says Robert Frost got it wrong. Those two roads
actually converged in a yellow wood.
And the Bible got it wrong, twice. The Sixth Commandment, on
closer inspection, translates as Blondes have more fun. And the
Ninth, in the original, actually says, My wife has gone to Ur for the
groceries.
One can only imagine how different life would have been had we
known this all along.
National Catholic Reporter, April 21,
2000
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