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The case of Elián and the inner tube miracle

If the reader has read other parts of this paper before getting here, fine. But if you are one of those who turned straight to Sic, now that’s class.

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In Little Havana they say Elián Gonzalez is a miracle child sent by God to bring Cuba to its knees and give Castro conniptions. The Miami relatives insist Elián’s fabulous inner tube, on which he survived ages in the ocean, was nudged along to freedom by dolphins that were divinely inspired to keep sharks away.

Sic thinks this is poppycock. Elián’s inner tube was nosed along by lawyers for the Miami relatives.

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In March John Paul II, the most urbi et orbi pope in history, welcomed no less than 6,000 dentists to the Vatican. Think of all those shiny gums and everyone saying to everyone else, “Open wider.”

Said the pope: “Your activity is not only the technical dimension; it is also a mission that requires placing your professional capacities at the service of your neighbor in whom, as believers, you must see, in a transparent way, the face of Christ.”

Yes, but did Christ floss?

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Not everyone knows that Sic is one of the 2,432 lawyers representing the Miami relatives, all working pro bono, as of course is God. We lawyers all agree that’s not Elián in those pictures with his father taken for propaganda purposes. Anyone can see that kid’s one of the Cuba Castros.

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The Straight Talk Express launched an Empty Suit survey some weeks ago in hopes of elevating the presidential debate and adding stature to the ultimate empty suit, George W. Bush. The response has been poor.

“No list would be complete without [Charlton] Heston and [Wayne] LaPierre of the NRA,” writes Joe Thomas of Plymouth. This raises the question: Is an empty suit that’s packing heat still an empty suit?

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Another thing. Elián’s father is not free to speak his mind on account of Castro planting a microchip in the dad’s ear that keeps shouting “Boo!” to scare him.

There’s only one way to solve this. Castro is obviously afraid to speak his own mind back there in Cuba for fear of admitting that the whole revolution thing was a disaster. Clearly, therefore, Castro must come to Little Havana where he will be free to speak his mind and say the revolution stinks.

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An anonymous party sent an Empty Suit list that included Ken Starr, Rush Limpbag, Rude Rudy Giuliani, Dick Armey and the Rev. Patty Robertson.

The writer then added a sub-category: the Empty Skirt. There were only two entries: Phyllis Schlafly and Peggy Noonan.

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Does Cardinal Ratzinger know they’ve gone and shrunk the Bible to 50 words? This will make life easier for scripture scholars:

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David Peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.
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Sic’s friend the philosopher writes:

Police in Oakland, Calif., spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 10 tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

Readers have the option of believing this or not.

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On second thought, there’s no way Castro can speak his mind, even in Miami, while all those aging revolutionaries and the Castro relatives and in fact everyone in Cuba are all ready to throttle him for letting Elián get away in the first place. The answer is to bring all Cubans to Miami, where everyone can talk free from fear and coercion and with heaps of plastic toys in their yards to reassure them that the people of Little Havana love them.

When all the Cubans are well and truly in Miami, we the lawyers for the relatives plan to grab our inner tubes and hit the water, nudged along by dolphins, porpoises and Sen. Trent Lott. We plan to occupy the island, which, being empty, could no longer be communist. We lawyers would then buy time on the radio in Dade County and invite all the Miami relatives, including Elián, back to Cuba as tourists.

National Catholic Reporter, May 5, 2000