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Column Author offers a way beyond anxious parents, entitled
kids
By KRIS BERGGREN
William Doherty is putting the word
out that todays childhood has begun to reflect too closely the
marketplace embedded in our cultural subconscious rather than the sacred time
it should be for budding adults to unfold and blossom within the secure
boundaries of family life.
His new book, Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in
Turbulent Times, is based on years of experience as a family therapist and
research as a professor of family social science at the University of
Minnesota. Doherty, married father of two adult children, postulates that the
pervasive consumer mentality of our culture has permeated our parenting ethos
and even our childrens perspective on their own childhood rights and
responsibilities. He calls the prevailing family dynamic a recipe for
insecure parents and entitled kids.
Children today tend to behave like consumers of parental
services such as meal preparation, chauffeuring and laundry; meanwhile,
parents play right into the role of brokers of community services
-- opportunities for fun and enrichment. Some parents outsource
this job to others such as schools or nannies, others are just too worn out
from working too many hours a week, single parenting or trying to stretch a
too-meager paycheck to be the effective parents theyd like to be. Sadly,
its often easier to take the path of least resistance, even if it means
you lose your sense of direction along the way.
Parents, Doherty says, are afraid to deny their kids anything -- a
spot on the elite traveling soccer team, a high school spring break trip to
Cancún, a birthday party at the roller rink for 20 of their closest
friends -- even if it is against their values or disruptive to family time, or
worse yet, if they know theyll get flak from their kids, their kids
coaches or other parents. They dont want to be perceived as
authoritarian, or worse yet, uncool, and they may be afraid to limit their
kids possibilities for future success in a competitive world. And even if
they fear being too permissive, it sometimes seems to be the lesser of two
evils.
In Take Back Your Kids and his previous work, The
Intentional Family, Doherty reinforces the idea that todays family
must demonstrate countercultural resolve to protect childhood and family life
from the toxicity of consumerism, a theme also raised by such authors as Mary
Pipher (The Shelter of Each Other), Penelope Leach (Children
First) and Jack Nelson-Pallmeyer (Families Valued). Parents must
realize it is their role to set limits and behavior expectations, make
unpopular decisions at times, and prioritize positive family rituals in order
to raise children who see themselves as members of communities from the
intimacy of family to the wide world of civic involvement rather than little
suns around whom the parental planet orbits unceasingly.
Doherty assails what he calls the myth of therapeutic
parenting. While Doherty is clear that parents should understand child
development and practice good communication skills, he is saying that the
Im OK, youre OK slant on parenting advice is
unrealistic and even deleterious.
For example, if your child hits you -- as almost every child will
-- the proper response is not a wimpy, Mommy doesnt like it when
you hit her, but better, an unequivocal, You may not hit me or
anyone else! Children must know what is expected of them -- what kind of
language and behavior will not be tolerated, and parents must intervene firmly
and with conviction when the boundaries are breached.
But kids will always test the resolve of parental authority. One
of my children tried out this deliberate response recently when asked to do a
chore he didnt want to do: Im in-de-pen-dent. My
7-year-old-going-on-14 asserts with all the conviction of a 70s antiwar
protester: Children should be equal, meaning, I guess, that she
wants more veto power when it comes to family decisions. And there is the
perennial refrain heard, Ive no doubt, from Portland, Maine, to Portland,
Ore.: Youre not the boss of me.
I think Doherty might say that actually parents are the boss. Like
a good boss does for employees, you are responsible for supervising, training
and coaching your children on the rights and responsibilities of life in your
family: for setting the standards and expectations for behavior and
participation, how to be a team player, effective communication, common
courtesy and respect for others. And you need support to do this -- from your
partner, your neighborhood, your faith community, your extended family and
friends, preferably all of the above.
What I am advocating, he says, is consistent
with the best research: Children need both love and limits, they need confident
rather than insecure parents and they do best when contributing to the common
good rather than just focusing on themselves.
Doherty offers entertaining and eye-opening anecdotes, excellent
advice based on his years of practice as a family therapist, researcher and
community member, and includes sections addressed specifically to single
parents, stepfamilies and fathers.
Ultimately, he says, parents have to earn their kids respect
or nothing they do or say will really work. And, he cautions, its easy to
blame the media, the consumer culture, or even what he calls the dirty
little secret of parental peer pressure. He reminds us that we are all
willing participants and that working on our own inner resources may be the
most helpful thing we can do for ourselves -- and our kids.
Although Ive been emphasizing how parents must take
back authority with their children, its ultimately the children who give
us permission to exercise our authority, based on our sense that we love them,
care for them and treat them fairly, he states.
And, as his book reminds us, we are certainly not alone in our
efforts to do so.
Kris Berggen writes from Minneapolis.
National Catholic Reporter, May 5,
2000
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