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Fall
Ministries Survivors support survivors on the Web
By JONI WOELFEL
A joyful life, I read in an old
Christopher Note, begins with three things: a deep appreciation of Gods
love, a noble purpose in life and a spirit of fidelity to the present moment.
These affirming words have stayed with me over the years and helped motivate me
to establish a Web site as a gift for my husband on the second anniversary of
the death of our 17-year-old son. A joyful life? How can there be such a thing
when a parent has lost a beloved child to probable suicide? Nevertheless, it is
possible.
In her book, Coincidences: Touched by a Miracle, Antoinette
Bosco writes, It was the beautiful teaching of the Communion of Saints
that gave me this assuring sense that we are all connected to one another. But
it was only after experiencing the deaths of loved ones that I had what I call
gifts of feeling their presence, sometimes through a sign that
seemed only coincidental at first.
And thus it was for me. Out of the wrenching pain and grief rising
out of the most shattering questions, I was ushered into a completely new world
that I never knew existed before. It began with these statistics: Suicide
is the second leading cause of death in children, teens and young adults. Every
year over 31,000 people in the U.S. die by suicide. Suicide is the 8th leading
cause of death overall. For each person who dies by suicide, 20 people (1
million total) make a suicide attempt each year. For every completed suicide,
there are seven to eight close survivors, meaning that nearly 7 million people
across the country have survived the suicide death of a loved one. The
statistics are from Suicide Awareness Voice of Education.
Shortly after the death of our son in l999, the U.S. surgeon
general appeared on television declaring suicide an epidemic.
I was stunned. How could I not know this? Bosco writes in her book
that there is a pattern or a guidance of people and the world toward a
higher purpose and that we can tap into this if we respond to grace. At
the time, even though my grief was too new and raw and all I could feel was
devastation, looking back I can see that that moment marked a turning point,
wherein my life, the words of the U.S. surgeon general and the death of our son
were together moving me forward.
That journey took about two years of incubation, processing,
grieving. As the second anniversary of our sons death approached, I
dreamed one night that Mic, our boy who died, was with my husband and me in our
living room. Mic had his hands hidden behind his back, grinning. I playfully
grabbed his hands and pulling them open found that they were empty! I realized
Mics hands were empty because his work on earth was done. But my hands
and my husbands are not empty. We, as all people, are called to some
higher purpose.
So one summer day, I contacted Gary Frye, a colleague from an
illness-support Web site that he founded and that I assist in facilitating. I
asked him if hed help me establish a support Web site for teen/adult
depression and suicide prevention. We worked as a team for a number of days,
with me doing the text writing and him doing the graphics and mechanical
creating. We felt as if we were conduits for something wonderful revealing
itself as events seemed to affirm the work we were doing.
My husband and I did a three-part interview on suicide and
depression for local papers, which simultaneously announced the creation of the
site. Within a short time, a dozen of our sons friends had posted on the
message board as well as other friends, acquaintances, kids and people we
didnt know. By the third week, we had over a thousand hits to our site
and over 150 posted messages. We received poignant cards and e-mails affirming
the need for our site.
We linked our site to the prominent SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voice
of Education) Web site, http://www.save.org which covers every
educational aspect of suicide and depression. Special features on our site are
the striking colors, graphics of the aurora borealis, the symptoms and warning
signs of depression and suicide, statistics, our sons story. We added a
theme song, composed by Frye. Sometimes its music rather than words that
will encourage and touch someone in need of hope.
A popular feature of the site is the message board, where people
can gather to offer solidarity, share questions, worry, insights, pain,
triumphs and comfort. A unique dynamic underlies the ministry of a support site
message board that cant be taught through a textbook. It is best
understood through participation. While many elements in a face-to-face support
group apply, such as good manners, good listening skills and responding to what
a person says with affirmations or appreciation, on a Web site all
communication is through the written word. There is no eye contact, voice
inflection or facial expressions to help one access the feeling behind the
words.
People quickly become adept at projecting personality and
self-expression through Web language. Each site develops its own persona
through the moderators and regulars who visit there. People who post learn how
to make their point, vent, exchange information or even express humor with
clarity and brevity. Sometimes a site is all some people have as a safe place
where they can go for comfort. Like all human communications, there will also
be misunderstandings, personality clashes and times when people simply, with
the help of the facilitator, agree to disagree. Tolerance, maturity and
practicing forgiveness are elements of a spirit of good will.
At the very least, a successful Website can be a warm place of
temporary shelter for someone passing through. At its deepest level, it becomes
a sacred community that, as the old Christopher Note suggested, is based on a
deep appreciation of Gods love, a sense of purpose and meaning in life
and learning to live in the fragile, precious present moment as survivors
supporting survivors.
The Internet address for Mics Message Web site is:
www.geocities.com/micsmessage/index.html
Joni Woelfel is the author of Tall in Spirit, Meditations
for the Chronically Ill and The Light Within, A Womans Book of
Solace, from ACTA publications. She also writes a column for Catholic
Womens Network.
National Catholic Reporter, September 7,
2001
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