Church in
Crisis Sex
offense: one part of his story
Following is an account by a priest who asked to remain
anonymous. We are assured that, though a few details have been slightly altered
to preserve anonymity, the account accurately reflects one priests
experience. It is rare that NCR allows a piece to be published
anonymously, but the editors believe the content warrants the exception. The
tale points up the complexity of the sex abuse scandal and raises serious
questions about such absolute and quick solutions as the one strike and
out proposal in disciplining priests who have been accused of sexual
abuse.
Why have priests sexually abused minors? Many of the answers being
offered to this question are based on stereotypes, usually the most notorious
cases involving serial predators. But these are not the typical cases, most of
which go back 20 to 40 years and do not involve many victims. I myself am a
priest who committed this crime nearly 30 years ago. This is my story. It is
not the whole story of my life, my calling, my spirituality or the good I have
accomplished in the priesthood -- just the bare facts that led me to offend,
and what happened afterward.
I was a lifer. I entered minor seminary in the early
1960s at age 14 and went straight on to college seminary, theology and holy
orders. We had no seminaries in my diocese, so I boarded at seminaries
elsewhere. Discipline in minor seminary was very strict; rules were rigid.
Vocations were plentiful, and dismissals occurred regularly, especially for
serious offenses like talking back to a priest or leaving the property without
permission. Once in a while someone would be dismissed because he was
effeminate or it was suspected he was homosexual. Such boys would just
disappear without any goodbye or explanation of their going. We only heard
rumors.
I had been attracted to girls in grammar school (and Im
attracted to women now), but in minor seminary I never saw any girls my age.
The only women were the nuns in the kitchen. Even on summer vacation, seminary
rules dictated that we could not go on dates or frequent the company of girls,
and my pastor had to sign a document at the end of the summer testifying that I
had observed these rules.
In my junior year, when I was 16, I became aware that I was
furtively glancing sometimes at other boys in the dorm as they were undressing.
Because no normal male would ever do such a thing, I concluded that this
strange habit could only mean that I was homosexual (gay still
meant happy then). As soon as I admitted this to myself, I
instantly recognized that I could not possibly discuss this thought with
anyone, because if the truth were known I would be abruptly booted out under a
cloud of shame and my vocation to the priesthood would be over before it
started.
For the next six years of high school and college seminary, I
totally suppressed the terrible truth about my sexual orientation -- as I knew
it then. No one would have identified me as a homosexual -- or a heterosexual
either. I became the perfect, asexual seminarian who was never troubled by
fantasies or masturbation. During all my years of seminary, no issues of
sexuality were discussed with us by the priests (only priests were on staff
then), except for human reproduction in biology class. Anything to do with sex
was grave matter to be handled by the seminary confessor, a retired priest
whose indignant voice roared through the chapel when he scolded a boy for
masturbating. I dont blame the priests on the faculty for this. They were
good and dedicated people, and they gave us an excellent education in all
subjects. They treated sex as everybody did then; it was not a subject for
public discussion.
When I was 22, I went to a big seminary for theology. It was
refreshing to meet many new people and make new friends. Vatican II had ended a
couple years earlier; the windows had opened, and fresh winds were blowing. The
rigid seminary rules were a thing of the past; the atmosphere was relaxed and
open. We were treated like adults. We could leave the property anytime we
wished, and no one asked where we went. Gone was the prohibition of the college
seminary on visiting each others rooms. I had a sense of freedom that I
had not felt before. But I was not ready for it.
This was the end of the 60s and beginning of the 70s,
the time of the sexual revolution in segments of the popular culture when
free sex was touted as normal, healthy and hip. We were part of
this young generation and affected by the new ideas. I read a book on situation
ethics. The basic theme was that no act is objectively evil; its morality or
immorality depends on the situation. I reasoned from this that all sex acts are
basically good since God had created us sexual beings, or at least they were
morally neutral. They are only evil if they harm someone (like rape or incest
or infidelity).
The early 70s was also the time when gays started coming out
of the closet in American society. For the first time, people were publicly
discussing the very thing that I had kept a dark secret since I was 16. Gays
were openly admitting who they were and saying they were proud of it. In the
church, hundreds of priests were leaving to marry, and the common wisdom was
that celibacy would soon be optional. Things were changing, and I thought that
this progress would only continue.
When I began my theological studies, I still had never
masturbated, much less had sex with anyone. Then I read a statistic, reported
in a newspaper, that 99 percent of adolescents masturbated. I believed it and
thought maybe I was strange. So, a period of sexual exploration began. It
started with masturbation, and later I had several sexual encounters with
classmates in the seminary. It was pleasurable.
I was ordained at 26. My first assignment was to a parish more
than three hours distant from my hometown. I went home to visit my family once
or twice a month, but I rarely saw my former classmates anymore. I had no
friends of my own age in this town. The only time I interacted at any length
with other young adults was when I was preparing them for marriage or on
occasional visits of classmates to me or I to them. I lived with two other
priests, a pastor in his 50s and an associate in his upper 60s. We had little
in common.
A principal ministry assigned to me by the pastor was working with
the high school-age youth. I had no particular aptitude or enthusiasm for this
work, but I was the new priest and it was expected of me. The other priests
certainly were not going to do it. Fortunately, the youth group already existed
and was well organized. From the start, I let the teens themselves plan and run
things, while I assisted with ideas and support.
One particular boy (Ill call him Bill) took a real liking to
me and was always coming around the rectory to see me, talk and kid around. He
was also one of the officers of the youth group, so I relied a lot on him to
keep things going smoothly. We became pals and did a lot of things together. I
had known him a year or so when we first had sexual contact. It started
gradually and built up to the real thing. He was 16 then. I had suspected he
was gay, and he was. He liked me and admired me. If he felt any shame, it was
apparent to no one. We stayed friends and had sex off and on, but that was not
the center of our relationship for either of us.
I did not feel guilt at the time, or at least I deluded myself
into thinking I actually was doing something good for Bill. I did not want him
to live his youthful years suppressing his sexuality as I had done. I wanted
him to feel liberated, like I thought I was. I wanted to be a positive role
model. I recognize the irony in that now; I didnt then.
The factor that contributed the most to my offending was
ignorance. I had no knowledge about sexual abuse or harassment. I had no idea
that having sex with a 16-year-old was a crime, that he was legally incapable
of consenting, or that our sexual activity could cause him any harm in later
years. Today, this must sound utterly incredible, but back then these things
were not discussed, not in the media, not even in our psychology textbooks. If
I had known it was a crime, or if I had known it could cause harm, I would not
have done it. I was sexually immature, lacking crucial knowledge and unfaithful
to my promise of celibacy, but I was not stupid, reckless or intentionally
hurtful.
After Bill went away to college and I was assigned to another
parish, we saw each other only a few more times and then gradually lost
contact. We were growing up and going our separate ways. Some years later he
telephoned, and we chatted a long while. He was living in California; he had a
good job and a nice house he shared with his lover, a man his age. He sounded
happy.
In my next parish, I was not involved in youth work but was most
energized by adult education and faith formation. I was not sexually active. It
was not that I was suddenly converted to the position that gay sex is
intrinsically disordered. In reality, I was too busy, there were no
opportunities for sex, and Im not sure I would have acted even if there
had been. I had noticed a change in myself. I now had begun to think that I
must really be a bisexual, because I could not deny anymore that I felt
attracted to women.
I was working closely in the parish with a religious on the staff
(Ill call her Karen). We were planning the liturgies, offering programs
in adult education, and leading a prayer group together. We shared similar
interests and values. We went to movies and restaurants together. She became my
best friend, but our relationship was Platonic. Over time, Karen and I
recognized a mutual attraction that had an emotional and erotic dimension to
it. We kissed. It could have led to sex, possibly to marriage, but it did not.
She was mature in dealing with her feelings about us and where we were heading.
We discussed our relationship openly, something that was new to me. I was not
good at it, but she brought me along. We worked through it and decided that we
both wanted to remain in ministry. We would use the energy of our love in
friendship and in service. She is still my closest friend.
I have had no sexual relationships during my priesthood other than
the one with Bill. My experience with Karen was the turning point for
integrating celibacy in my life in a way that made sense to me. Keeping my
promise of celibacy became a matter of personal integrity. I did not want to be
living a lie. Although not intellectually convinced of the value of mandatory
celibacy, I knew I had to be faithful to my promise for the sake of the people
who put their trust in me.
Nine years ago, my bishop called with very bad news. He told me
that a lawyer for a Mr. N (Bill) was seeking monetary damages for the emotional
harm I had caused by abusing him. I was devastated. I admitted it immediately.
I wanted to call Bill, to see how he was doing and apologize for having hurt
him, but the bishop forbade that. The diocesan lawyer had made it clear that
under no circumstances was I to contact the victim, that it would only compound
the harm. Later, my own attorney told me that the diocesan lawyer was following
standard procedure, because an apology could be used by the lawyer on the other
side to get more money from the diocese.
Why did Bill now have this emotional turmoil, I wondered, when he
never gave any sign of it before? Did he need the money? Had his lover left him
for someone else and he was miserable? Was he trying to protect other boys from
me? Did all the publicity surrounding other cases in the news at the time give
him a sense of shame he had never felt before? Or, had I really hurt him, and
he never got in touch with it until now? I will never know the answer. I wonder
whether he himself knows.
A leave of absence was hastily arranged. I was a pastor by then,
and another priest was named administrator. I told the parishioners I was under
great stress (which was true) and I needed some time off. They were
understanding and supportive. I entered a treatment facility that specializes
in the mental health of Catholic priests and religious. While I was there, a
cash settlement was arranged by the lawyers representing both parties, and the
case was closed.
After the standard six-month treatment, I received positive
evaluations from the experts and was judged to be at low risk for re-offending.
Following a brief period in a halfway house, I returned to the parish and
finished my second term there. The case has not become public.
I am now a pastor in another parish in my diocese. So far, my
bishop has not made any move to dump me, as has happened to priests like me
elsewhere. I hope and pray he continues to withstand the pressures of the
present time, and I pray that Bill has found peace and healing in his life. I
want to keep serving the church. I feel I can better make up for the sins of my
youth by doing good for other people than by rotting away for the rest of my
life in some safe house.
I worry now whether I could continue in ministry if my bishop were
to expose me. Im sure I would have the backing of my family, friends,
mental health professionals and most parishioners. They know I am not a
pervert. Shouldnt their judgment matter more to the church than that of
the media, the pressure groups and the lawyers who would know nothing of who I
really am, other than that I had once offended?
I pray for the church in this time of crisis, especially for
healing for priests, victims and the communities affected. I pray also for our
bishops, who are overwhelmed now by the turmoil surrounding them. May the Holy
Spirit give them wisdom and patience.
National Catholic Reporter, June 7,
2002
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