Perspective Loss of healthy affection is the hidden
tragedy
By PATRICIA LYNN
MORRISON
Last week a friend described a
recent encounter with her pastor at a large parish event. Can I give my
pastor a hug? the woman asked the priest as he made his way, greeting
people, through the parish hall. Sure, Ill take hugs from
anybody, the priest replied, as long as its in front of 300
people. Everyone within hearing range laughed. But afterward, several
parishioners commented that the dark humor is one of the sad byproducts of the
recent sex abuse scandals.
When the Chicago archdiocese was rocked in the early 90s by
the first major wave of abuse cases and subsequent removal of more than 20
priests from ministry, priests already were talking about the ripple effects,
which they predicted would change priest-parishioner relationships forever.
Im afraid to tousle the hair of an altar boy in the sacristy after
Mass, a priest friend said. How do I know that 20 years from now he
wont come back and say Father X abused me in the sacristy when I
was 10?
These sad anecdotes pale against the horrific reality of sexual
abuse of children by clergy. The pre-eminent tragedy is what has happened to
our children, compounded by the justified outrage at chancery cover-ups of
known cases, musical chairs with assignments of offenders to parish
after parish, and the payoffs and settlements to keep things under wraps.
No one can downplay the reality of these evils. We have lost our
innocence as a church (perhaps long ago), and we mourn it. But I also grieve
for what could be another casualty of it all -- a flight from healthy
affectivity, friendships and deep human relationships by priests.
Nothing brought this home to me more clearly than reading the
letter of Milwaukee Archbishop Rembert Weakland to Paul Marcoux, the man whom
archdiocesan officials confirm received a $450,000 settlement from Weakland.
(See NCR, May 31). Marcoux alleges date rape more than 20 years ago;
Weakland acknowledged the settlement but categorically denied there was any
abuse.
One almost feels like a voyeur reading the text of Weaklands
handwritten 1980 letter to Marcoux; the text has been widely published. But
several newspapers, including The New York Times, omitted perhaps the
most telling sections.
What is clear from the letter is that the archbishop fell in love.
He had a romantic relationship, possibly a genital one, with the man. What is
also evident is that Weakland reflected on the direction the relationship was
going, and despite the pain it would inflict on himself and perhaps the other
person, recommitted himself to his promised celibacy and his ministry:
During the last months I have come to know how strained I
was, tense, pensive, without much joy. I couldnt pray at all. I just did
not seem to be honest with God. I felt I was fleeing from him, from facing him.
I know what the trouble was: I was letting your conscience take over for me and
I couldnt live with it. I felt like the worlds worst hypocrite. So
gradually I came back to the importance of celibacy in my life -- not just a
physical celibacy but the freedom the celibate commitment gives.
I cry
as I write this: They are personally the greatest renunciations the Lord has
asked me to make for his kingdom. I dont ask you to understand, but I do
ask you not to ridicule
My anger at the financial settlement was almost eclipsed by anger
that Marcoux exploits this intensely personal self-communication by Weakland by
making it public. I could just imagine shredders working overtime as nervous
bishops and priests hurried to destroy any correspondence containing even a
remote hint of self-revelation or affection.
For many priests and religious, it has taken the decades since the
Second Vatican Council to help achieve well-integrated psychosexual health.
Boys and girls who entered high school seminaries at 14 often found themselves,
in their 20s and 30s, in a state of arrested adolescent development,
experiencing for the first time crushes and romantic behavior most people go
through as teens. Religious people dont have a monopoly. The human heart
is a fragile but real school of life, and the human condition being what it is,
Id bet that most of us -- married and single, gay and straight, lay and
religious -- muddle awkwardly through relationships on our way to wholeness and
integration. Some of us, unfortunately, never get there; pedophiles are a case
in point.
If its a tossup between Father A, who is cold and
disconnected from people, and Father B, who has fallen by having
had an adult romantic relationship but who has become a pastoral, prayerful and
efficient leader, most Catholics would take Father B any day.
Priests -- like all of us but perhaps more than those of us with
family and spouse -- need strong, healthy relationships, because celibacy is
not about avoidance, but about loving. In the 1984 anthology, Celibate
Loving, An Encounter in Three Dimensions, Jesuit L. Patrick Carroll summed
up the challenge: In every generation [of church life] there have been
too many crusty bachelors and mean old maids masquerading as celibates, going
to their graves without once letting sex rear its head. Too often love was
squelched in the process, and they witnessed to nothing but will
power.
In this difficult time our priests, feeling weighed down by public
scrutiny and under siege by the ongoing but necessary news coverage, could be
tempted to be overly cautious, to stifle healthy intimacy and any expression of
genuine affection for the people they serve. As Weaklands letter
demonstrates so powerfully, being a celibate who strives to be a loving person
means being vulnerable, making poor choices at times, able to hurt and be hurt,
but ultimately to be honest and make choices that are life-giving.
Perfect love casts out fear, Jesus told his disciples.
Most of us will never love perfectly. But working on it throughout a lifetime,
even amid the messiness and pain, certainly beats the alternative.
Pat Morrison is NCR managing editor.
National Catholic Reporter, June 7,
2002
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