Books Energies of attraction and connection
Fran Ferder is a Franciscan sister and John Heagle a diocesan
priest, both originally from the La Crosse, Wis., diocese. For over 20 years
they have been giving workshops, retreats and talks on the subjects of
sexuality, spirituality, communication and community. They are co-directors of
Therapy and Renewal Associates -- called TARA -- a ministerial counseling and
renewal center near Seattle. They also teach courses on sexuality at Seattle
University. NCR talked to them about their new book.
Ferder: In our society sexuality is either sensationalized
or joked about or even ridiculed. Sex is seldom acknowledged for what it is:
the energy of attraction, the continuation in us of the creativity of the
universe, endowed by evolution.
Heagle: As teachers and therapists, we see every day
that people hunger for the chance to see the connections between sexuality and
spirituality; they want to find ways to live responsible sexual lives.
Ferder: Responsible sexuality has to do with how we
respond authentically and truthfully to the energies of attraction and
connection. Responsible sexual activity in practice is faithful, truthful,
honest, celebratory and joyful. It thinks about consequences both for oneself
and for the other person. Its connected to other aspects of ones
life. Its not something cut off from ones spirituality, thinking,
ones deepest desires, goals in life.
Heagle: We Christians say that the role and purpose
of love is ultimately to lay down ones life for others. But you
cant lay down your life if you havent taken it up. We have to learn
what it means to engage our sexual energy, our relational commitments and to be
mutually supportive of each other. Taking up our life is both a spiritual
discipline as well as a joyful experience.
NCR: Spirituality and sexuality really need each
other?
Ferder: Spirituality without responsible connection with
our sexuality is action without spirit. Its a phantom, a ghost. It lacks
that energy of attraction. On the other hand, sexuality without the connection
to spirit is equally empty. It is literally sex without spirit. It goes
nowhere.
Heagle: The message I got in the seminary was that
if you are going to be spiritual you cant be sexual. One cancels out the
other. Or, to the extent you are sexless, to that extent you are holy. But
every person is called to be a lover and life-giver.
Ferder: If we dont take our sexual energy seriously,
it catches us off guard, blindsides us, pops up in unexpected ways.
We co-teach a Christian sexuality course at Seattle University to
graduate students, prefacing the class by saying there are no stupid questions,
that everyones experience matters. No ones experience is normative
for everyone else, but everyones experience must be respected. We try to
create a safe environment. One of our dreams and hopes is that small Christian
communities and Catholic parishes could be places where its safe enough
that people can bring their sexual questions, their concerns, failures,
disagreements or agreements with church teachings, their convictions, and know
that there is a welcome space there where it can all be explored.
NCR: In your book you label sexual sin as violation of
persons. Are these kinds of sins primarily relationship problems?
Heagle: Catholic moral teaching pointed out sexual
sin is illicit pleasure. That suspicion of pleasure goes back to St. Augustine,
who felt that all pleasure is disordered. We know now that pleasure is a
built-in bodily response that is part of our physiological makeup, put there by
evolution for the continuation of the species. There is nothing disordered
about it. Its the relational context of human sexuality that creates the
ethical demand, not our human nature. When sexual relationships become abusive,
dishonest or exploitative, the bonds of mutuality and respect are broken.
Adultery and abusive relationships are no longer life enhancing and life
giving.
Ferder: Our tradition often uses the two terms
chastity and celibacy interchangeably, equating the two. It shows
up in teen chastity programs. We usually dont teach teens to be reverent
toward themselves and one another in their relationships. Rather we tell them
to just say no right at the time when their sexual urgency is at its peak.
Chastity, we think, has less to do with what we do or dont do with our
genitals but what we do with our hearts. It has to do with how we treat people
in relationships, how much reverence we show ourselves and others. I can be
chaste while sexually active or celibate. All of us are called to chastity, to
treat one another with dignity, respect and truth. Thats the ultimate
meaning of chastity. Its sustainable sexuality.
Heagle: We need to teach teens not so much what to say no
to, but what to say yes to.
Celibacy doesnt just mean not having sex; its a
different way of loving. Its not a higher level of loving, just a
different one. Celibacy is something that one can devote ones life to for
the sake of service, relationships and community. Or one can be celibate for a
time and then move on. On the other hand, the church needs to finally recognize
the profound sacredness of marriage and covenantal partnerships.
Ferder: This discussion must go on. If we can move beyond
the church crisis to asking the questions, discussing sexuality and
spirituality in an honest, forthright way, we will have taken a big step toward
health and healing. John and I are committed to the books vision. The
church needs to take the issue of sexuality and peoples experiences and
stories around it so much more seriously. Its the issue that will make or
break us.
National Catholic Reporter, August 30,
2002
|